The "Glamorous" Life of Auditions - Day 33
Went in for a feature and not a moment too soon, with the heaviness of this election, it was nice to break away, memorize my role for the upcoming play "Bee Luther Hatchee" which delves into racial outlooks of appropriations and now a 4 pager scene with one night to get it together. Although I didn't put as much effort as I usually would, the lines came pretty quick and the role was pretty simple to break down. I took 2 pages in and left the 3rd for chance the next day with the 4th page lines to the other character...sometimes your brain can only take so much so be gentle with yourself, firm...but gentle. Shoving lines into your face isn't going to help you memorize the material any faster and that's why when I memorize, I take small breaks and check out my Facebook, watch a short show, play some Word games on my phone, whatever will distract my mind from feeling it's not being overwhelmed and pushed. While doing so, I allow my brain to imagine what this character feels, wants and needs without pushing...you've been training for this, now it's just allowing your creative juices to freely roam and trusting your process. This is the thing about doing what you love and are passionate about, it's feeling so beat up from the world and understanding I get to escape, this is how I cope. I've always loved movies...especially musicals although I can't sing a lick, but being entertained was how I dealt with pressures of everyday life. This week, our nation elected a man who's platform included racial divide, female degradation, bullying/threatening, hypocrisy and pretty much every thing I find loathsome as a human being so escaping was a welcome breathe but I can't wait to play his character one day. I used it for this particular role since I was auditioning for a "Con Artist," it was the universe sending me a gift because I was watching it play out for quite some time, no wonder it came with ease. Although this happened on Veteran's Day, I'm always thankful for auditions, even when traffic is still a nightmare for some deranged reason and there is a 2 hour wait to even be seen for 3-5 minutes. I was definitely at wits end but I have to admit, the extra time on my sides wasn't a bad thing since I opted to go do some cardio bootcamp barre at the gym preceding this whole adventure. It was all worth it seeing the lovely Doris from "Trouble Creek County" who also is in the NCIS New Orleans as well. Getting a chance to catch up for a sec, congratulate each other and then take a picture since we weren't on the same shooting days on set made me acknowledge that with all the bad comes the good. Let's get in...
If you've never been bullied, lucky you...I'm not talking about just name calling although this Samoan gal gave me the nickname of "Frog Eyes" in Jr. High, I'm talking about having to fight alone in a girls locker room with this behemoth at the time and doing so because I finally spoke up and spoke back. We came to some blows but nothing serious, she did her thing and I held up mine but I fought back when push came to shove and although I wouldn't call myself "the winner" in that situation, I never really had a problem with Ms. L ever again except for the occasional dirty looks and mumbled words. Today, I could care less, I'm in my passion, pursuing it focused - full and happy...I could and would gladly whoop her butt in a heart beat if I was ever stepped sideways by her in life again but I don't even want nor need to, she means nothing to me. See, I've moved on and life rewarded me for it and I'm at peace with it all because goodness surrounds me. I AM HAPPY in every essence of the word, which resonates from my being so I am thankful I never had to carry the burden of being a crappy schooler into my adulthood but dealing with such made me a more thoughtful person, sensitive to that type of behavior. Hence my feelings against Trump.
If you've never been sexually harassed, lucky you...I'm not talking about just spoken to dirty or called a B or C word, I'm talking about being groped as you walked by in a crowded area by someone that won't come out of the sea of stank or being RAPED. See, in High School it was my first time getting real drunk at a party and sneaking off into a bedroom at such party for some hanky panky and I was definitely not in my right frame of mind but had a couple of friends out in the other room. That kissing session turned out into an unwanted sexual situation, where "NO" was said and clearly heard (via by my friends who told me later but didn't step in) through my drunkenness but no one intervened. The football players there however sang him a song when I came out...I still hear it..."Hey, little Walter..." awesome memory to hold on to for life because through that rape came other things...I wasn't just left with rape. So, to not be slut shamed/humiliated and being absolutely naive at the time, I went out with said fellow to cope with above situation and never really told anyone about it nor spoke on it...including my parents, they've just recently found out. Being older, wiser now, I can see the whole thing and say "WHY" to myself about my actions but I don't have to. I'm in an amazing relationship that feeds my soul to the very depths of my darkness and I am surrounded by nothing but love so therefore I can only radiate nothing but love but I had to fight for that and luckily unbeknownst to great peeps in my life, I came out of that darkness...it still holds a corner of my being, it's in my fabric but it doesn't make me, others aren't as fortunate. This male-ego action didn't stop me thank goodness, it just showed me what a real warrior I've become and I'd be damned if anyone were to grab me by my anything now, a black belt fighting men for over 15 years has tipped the odds into my favor. Hence my bewilderment that this behavior is acceptable in our highest level of position and our nation said it was okay to all the little girls/little boys/victims/humans that have experienced in the slightest what it felt like not to have full say about your own body. Hence I couldn't even wrap my head about standing anywhere near Trump's platform.
If you've never been racially engaged, lucky you...I'm not talking just having your car illegally searched because they saw recycling bags filled with plastic in the back of your SUV (hence I still hate Calabasas/Santa Monica and won't spend a dime there however nice it is, because nice doesn't deserve my money unless I'm there with friends) or getting your license suspended because you've got 8 ridiculous traffic tickets - some for just driving 5 miles over the speed limit (hence leaving WA state) plus countless of others knowing it's your skin color, but being called the N word. I don't use that word, I cringe when I hear it in rap and I really don't care how you want to flip it, smack it or rub it down. It's such a loaded word used to degrade a human being to be made to feel less than (and trust me when I say, it doesn't change me but the idea it was used to hold down a staggering amount of people for such a long time does) and I'm not in support for using it to say hello to my other ethnic friends either. See, when I came out to Cali I ended up at one of Magic Johnson's big parties (not private, never did anyone's private parties here) in a Hollywood Night Club. In heels, dressed in a gown, I left said party pretty early (because I hate parties and never was into "networking") searching the busy Sunset traffic for my ride. Was walking past a few drunk White/Italian/Whatever dudes that were being silly, one just happened to trip into me and I caught him...in my heels. No thanks, just a shove with a "Don't touch me Ni**er" as his friends pulled him away. I can't tell you the countless times I have heard that word whispered, screamed, or said to me but I understand that it's a word that holds no power over me, unless I'm physically touched, it's just an annoyance to hear because it's the way it's intended to be used against me just for my skin color. Not my being, who I am, how I function, what I do...just a derogatory word to try and put me in my place unsuccessfully of course because I don't stand in a time where that power was given to a particular race group that found themselves superior just because the government allowed it so therefore has no bearing on my person here and now. Words hurt but I can side step that, physical action towards me will get you into a quick place of seeing what I'm made of. Hence I can't even wrap my head around anyone normalizing this behavior for a President.
So please try and understand that I can't shake this nation's choice of everything I've had to fight with in my life has just been chosen as the leader of our "Free World." My skin color, gender and who I am hasn't allowed that luxury in life and now I've got to wait, see, hope and then keep fighting if need be for myself and countless others. I'm not a "sore loser" or screaming electoral scams since that's been in play for ever...I'm just deeply saddened that as a whole, we couldn't sacrifice some of our ideals for the greater good of many. We decided to be selfish in our own ways and got someone so unqualified to now obtain the highest office of our land and those below him will be doing it for him - those are the people I'm most horrified of because their track record of what they've done is more scary than Clinton's Foreign Policy/emails and now we all get to see it unfold.
So thank you for those who didn't vote because of "wokeness" about the system and your vote not counting...because now I see that even through this rigged system, in swing states - IT WOULD'VE MATTERED because I'm sure more people didn't want this to be if they had the foresight to really understand the scope of this election.
Thank you to the protesting votes of Hambre/Hennessy being written in as well as 3rd Party votes because in swing states, it allowed this campaign ran on hate, bigotry, sexual assault being okay and countless other abhorrent/vile behavior, the platform it now has to do as it wishes. I see, IT DID MATTER.
To all of this - I voted because I mattered, the discriminated people for sexual identity, sexual preference mattered, what people died for mattered when not given the right, what kids can view as right and wrong mattered, feared ethnic groups being targeted mattered, deportation mattered etc, etc, etc and obviously because the people who decided the other stuff mattered more was going to show up and vote against it. I didn't get the candidate I wanted but I had to vote anyway...for me, for you, for our nation and now I'm going to fight, silently, methodically as I have...one step at a time. Go shine your light arties, this country needs all of it now more than ever - YOUR VOICE MATTERS!!!
A two-liner audition for a network show that seemed to get some more of my creative juices flowing dealing with such an unbelievable turn of events. My mind has been scattered but now is not the time to falter in my art...art speaks truth and will guide/lead during these trying times so don't stray off course, stay focused so that you may have the voice and the box to speak your truths when the time comes. Ground yourself in something real/true... or this world, this business will make you lose sight of everything you hold dear. People have hurt, killed, walked away and disappeared in this light we choose to step into but if you figure what you're made of now, you will be able to face some of the darkest hours steadfast and strong because that comes with all the light and glory, be prepared, stay prepared. That intertwines with your work...sure we all love the 4-8 page scenes in which we can create an arc and story within a story if we choose but to not look at a quick pass the same way can work, but I believe will eventually get you into a rut or you can figure out how you may embody so that with every spot given, you take with such ferociousness that your talent is undeniable. 2 lines, started off as 2 lines...I memorized those 2 and just kept at it, wondering what I could do with this seemingly small nurse role that I'd be seen for a split second. I watched a few YouTube videos on the show and saw to my surprise lots of musical numbers...I slept on that and when I awoke...magical thoughts came too. Although a nurse, the scene is simple enough but what could I do as an individual artist to make a mark...see the scene differently. Yes, there is always a beginning middle and an end to everything but how do you as an artist read in between the lines. Training, devotion to your craft and pretty soon you'll get to a point where it'll come to you...whether it's "right or wrong" in their standards, it'll be something you created out of very little given and that is always right. Since this was a musical...why not sing my last line...to connect to the patient or at least try to. No where did it state that way of communicating but as a spin for some art, my thoughts pondered on making it feel as natural as possible. Played around with it and found my step. I knew no one would be thinking of this for the most part although it did make sense with the scope of the show...will they hate it or love it? Not sure but I risked what I thought was a brilliant choice in the room because why not risk it all to make a statement grounded in reality, to consider me again. This may or may not be my role but my goal always is to have them thinking how did she think of that particular choice. Now understand, I didn't belt the line, make it about me or try to show off a singing voice I didn't have - I kept in within the context of the scene and just added the element of wanting to connect through a song since that may break through. Casting laughed, loved the choice and since I seemed to have looked directly into the camera we did one more take the same although I would've loved playing with a different choice. Next time maybe but for now I'll let them sit on that one and hopefully I'll hear from them again soon enough, would love to book another co-star to take out this year in a bang because it's been an absolute blast this year. No, I didn't book a huge film role (not yet anyway...) that'll change my life, nor did I get a medium size role in a film to put me on the map but I was able to accomplish being a working actor this year with beautifully, independent projects that allowed my art to express and bloom. Got a lot of characters to give, just waiting on the opportunity! Don't sit and wait for the big bang folks, work your way through the mire, find the diamonds in the rough as they're trying to find you and go work your craft! Enough with sitting on the sidelines, you've worked too hard to get here, sacrificed too much, so don't take another day to wallow in what your agent can do for you...go out there and throw yourself into the meaningful projects trying to take off because with that, you'll soar to another level wondering why you ever waited...waited for that call, waited for that audition ping, waited for the text...it's yours for the taking, quit letting someone else grab it.
Through this all, I haven't forgotten to celebrate when I can...good food reminds me what is all right in this world at times when all seems overwhelming and although I decided to save my celebrating day for another time since I wanted to make it to my Aqua Zumba class at the Y, I did bask in some delicious vegan donuts once again from Donut Friend in Highland Park. I bought two because my eyes are always bigger and best to save one then not have one to eat or save I say after having delicious goodness in your belly! One Samoa Doughnut (yes, like the cookie) and one Creme Brulee custardy goodness that I delighted myself in. Happiness in dough...with some good ole cafe au lait with almond milk - YUMMERS! This made up for all the money I had saved for Christmas gifts having to go towards my brakes on my car one and a half months before the day...disgusted yes, but realizing donuts make everything better along with a working car, was a small victory in this mess! Understand you must celebrate good with good but especially celebrate with the bad...it'll have you seeing goodness in ways you can't even imagine. CELEBRATE - CELEBRATE - CELEBRATE!
With some anxiety about our new President-Elect, I've added a TRX style Bootcamp taught by Basaam Reyes to go along with all the other workouts (like Pilates (mat,) Aqua Zumba, Zumba, Kickboxing, Running/Hiking etc) I do. Sometimes you just need something to really kick your boo-tay in another direction to let go of all that pent up steam of dismissal that I find laughable when mostly people who are comfortable/clueless are able to say such. I guess I'm going to be back in tip top shape with these next 4 years rounding the corner - HA! Stress is going to be a high factor for most people, especially now...take care of one's self because stress can cause so much damage in your body - GET RID OF THIS DARKNESS and the best way is staying as active and pushing your will to another place. Most of us are going to have to roll up our sleeves and fight because we're aware of what's ahead so make sure in using your voice in your art or activism or both etc, that you allow the release in your body so you can stay focused in this long fight we all have heading our way. The damage is coming, stay healthy and strong...this world needs you now more than ever to get to the place to speak out against not only our injustices but for others that don't have the voice as well. Stay true and fit warriors no matter what your body looks like, your health is more important now than ever...get in there and commit!!!
Went to see the closing night of George Orwell's "1984" at the Greenway Court Theatre directed by Kate Jopson (who directed me in Twelfth Night.) Caught a few past working together cohorts that made me smile, so good seeing great work by Peggy (Intimate Apparel,) Robert & Amielynn (Twelfth Night.) Diverse casting with proper accents, can't tell ya how much it warms my soul. I don't think I ever read this book which is so surprising being that I was totally into Sci-Fi/Fantasy growing up...I just can't seem to remember the movie so I'll be catching up now. Watching "Government" be Big Brother as well as catching glimpses of torture, mind games and tiers of people, I could see the fear running rampant and what it does to society as a whole. Saddening, sickening, frightening and something that is very well the undercurrent of our country. Fear of being forgotten, fear of thinking a country that you feel belongs to you is slipping away, fear of others, fear and more fear, therefore trust misplaced. It takes one leader to ruin a nation, push wrong ideals/ideology, use fear to gain and then dump the good of the people. I shake my head as I keep hearing some state that "It'll be fine...This too shall pass...Wait and see...It's going to be okay..." - IS IT??? We've officially put someone in office now that is conducting office holding positions as if they were pageants and seating those that are backed by the KKK as well as known lobbyists after stating the opposite and I'm suppose to get behind said President Elect? Why are people trying to make this okay? Guilt of voting or wanting someone unqualified in office that has been true to form now so we've got to accept what fear did to you??? The fact that most of this is being said by people who have never encountered/nor understand the brunt end of systemic racism makes me shake my head. I feel at least with this going on people are finally awake that bias/racism does exist and for most of them, it's shocking. The fact that we've finally had a black President didn't end this war as most would love to state, it just helped bring those undertones of what people felt out and Drumpf allowed them to feel confident to state it. Don't become complacent for the sake of PEACE as most would want, did you not see our "Unity" fighting every step of the way the last 8 years just trying to get some work done...why must I make that easy for someone less deserving? I will not stand by and allow this idea that this is normal or okay go unchecked...too many people have died in order for me to even have this freedom to speak now, type now, read now and have knowledge of now and still there is suppression. Art is here to speak truth...it has always tried to come from there and I will not belittle my spirit now to fall in line with masses that can't see nor seek real truth. So yes, I will keep going and supporting diverse theatre that gives minorities an opportunity to be seen, I will keep watching shows that promote different viewpoints than what people are most comfortable seeing (i.e. Atlanta, Insecure, Master of None, Mindy Project etc.,) attending more movies that tell a different story (Moonlight,) keep spending my hard on money where I am not only welcomed but at stores I see diversity in especially places like Whole Foods/Sprouts/Shopping and keep being a human for as many people I come in contact regardless of their being....unless it's hate...that's when the fighter in me will step out and speak. There is a time for peace, now is not the time and there is a time for you to wake up and be the fierce warrior inscribed in your soul that is not okay with normalizing what we're seeing in our Free States. If you're privy to seeing even the slightest of wrongs, do something about it...it's been too long allowing it to be that people forget that so many people are still fighting just to be. Go SHINE brightly and blind them all with your truth...that's how we change for the good, the real good, not the idea of what we're doing is so good because of outside influences of how we were raised, what we were taught or even our religious upbringing but that the truthfulness of good comes stampeding through. Now is the time to really look and see where you stand because standing on the line as you do in art, gets you nowhere. SHINE ON!!!!
