The "Glamorous" Life of Auditions - Day 33

Went in for a feature and not a moment too soon, with the heaviness of this election, it was nice to break away, memorize my role for the upcoming play "Bee Luther Hatchee" which delves into racial outlooks of appropriations and now a 4 pager scene with one night to get it together. Although I didn't put as much effort as I usually would, the lines came pretty quick and the role was pretty simple to break down. I took 2 pages in and left the 3rd for chance the next day with the 4th page lines to the other character...sometimes your brain can only take so much so be gentle with yourself, firm...but gentle. Shoving lines into your face isn't going to help you memorize the material any faster and that's why when I memorize, I take small breaks and check out my Facebook, watch a short show, play some Word games on my phone, whatever will distract my mind from feeling it's not being overwhelmed and pushed. While doing so, I allow my brain to imagine what this character feels, wants and needs without pushing...you've been training for this, now it's just allowing your creative juices to freely roam and trusting your process. This is the thing about doing what you love and are passionate about, it's feeling so beat up from the world and understanding I get to escape, this is how I cope. I've always loved movies...especially musicals although I can't sing a lick, but being entertained was how I dealt with pressures of everyday life. This week, our nation elected a man who's platform included racial divide, female degradation, bullying/threatening, hypocrisy and pretty much every thing I find loathsome as a human being so escaping was a welcome breathe but I can't wait to play his character one day. I used it for this particular role since I was auditioning for a "Con Artist," it was the universe sending me a gift because I was watching it play out for quite some time, no wonder it came with ease. Although this happened on Veteran's Day, I'm always thankful for auditions, even when traffic is still a nightmare for some deranged reason and there is a 2 hour wait to even be seen for 3-5 minutes. I was definitely at wits end but I have to admit, the extra time on my sides wasn't a bad thing since I opted to go do some cardio bootcamp barre at the gym preceding this whole adventure. It was all worth it seeing the lovely Doris from "Trouble Creek County" who also is in the NCIS New Orleans as well. Getting a chance to catch up for a sec, congratulate each other and then take a picture since we weren't on the same shooting days on set made me acknowledge that with all the bad comes the good. Let's get in...

If you've never been bullied, lucky you...I'm not talking about just name calling although this Samoan gal gave me the nickname of "Frog Eyes" in Jr. High, I'm talking about having to fight alone in a girls locker room with this behemoth at the time and doing so because I finally spoke up and spoke back. We came to some blows but nothing serious, she did her thing and I held up mine but I fought back when push came to shove and although I wouldn't call myself "the winner" in that situation, I never really had a problem with Ms. L ever again except for the occasional dirty looks and mumbled words. Today, I could care less, I'm in my passion, pursuing it focused - full and happy...I could and would gladly whoop her butt in a heart beat if I was ever stepped sideways by her in life again but I don't even want nor need to, she means nothing to me. See, I've moved on and life rewarded me for it and I'm at peace with it all because goodness surrounds me. I AM HAPPY in every essence of the word, which resonates from my being so I am thankful I never had to carry the burden of being a crappy schooler into my adulthood but dealing with such made me a more thoughtful person, sensitive to that type of behavior. Hence my feelings against Trump.

If you've never been sexually harassed, lucky you...I'm not talking about just spoken to dirty or called a B or C word, I'm talking about being groped as you walked by in a crowded area by someone that won't come out of the sea of stank or being RAPED. See, in High School it was my first time getting real drunk at a party and sneaking off into a bedroom at such party for some hanky panky and I was definitely not in my right frame of mind but had a couple of friends out in the other room. That kissing session turned out into an unwanted sexual situation, where "NO" was said and clearly heard (via by my friends who told me later but didn't step in) through my drunkenness but no one intervened. The football players there however sang him a song when I came out...I still hear it..."Hey, little Walter..." awesome memory to hold on to for life because through that rape came other things...I wasn't just left with rape. So, to not be slut shamed/humiliated and being absolutely naive at the time, I went out with said fellow to cope with above situation and never really told anyone about it nor spoke on it...including my parents, they've just recently found out. Being older, wiser now, I can see the whole thing and say "WHY" to myself about my actions but I don't have to. I'm in an amazing relationship that feeds my soul to the very depths of my darkness and I am surrounded by nothing but love so therefore I can only radiate nothing but love but I had to fight for that and luckily unbeknownst to great peeps in my life, I came out of that darkness...it still holds a corner of my being, it's in my fabric but it doesn't make me, others aren't as fortunate. This male-ego action didn't stop me thank goodness, it just showed me what a real warrior I've become and I'd be damned if anyone were to grab me by my anything now, a black belt fighting men for over 15 years has tipped the odds into my favor. Hence my bewilderment that this behavior is acceptable in our highest level of position and our nation said it was okay to all the little girls/little boys/victims/humans that have experienced in the slightest what it felt like not to have full say about your own body. Hence I couldn't even wrap my head about standing anywhere near Trump's platform.

If you've never been racially engaged, lucky you...I'm not talking just having your car illegally searched because they saw recycling bags filled with plastic in the back of your SUV (hence I still hate Calabasas/Santa Monica and won't spend a dime there however nice it is, because nice doesn't deserve my money unless I'm there with friends) or getting your license suspended because you've got 8 ridiculous traffic tickets - some for just driving 5 miles over the speed limit (hence leaving WA state) plus countless of others knowing it's your skin color, but being called the N word. I don't use that word, I cringe when I hear it in rap and I really don't care how you want to flip it, smack it or rub it down. It's such a loaded word used to degrade a human being to be made to feel less than (and trust me when I say, it doesn't change me but the idea it was used to hold down a staggering amount of people for such a long time does) and I'm not in support for using it to say hello to my other ethnic friends either. See, when I came out to Cali I ended up at one of Magic Johnson's big parties (not private, never did anyone's private parties here) in a Hollywood Night Club. In heels, dressed in a gown, I left said party pretty early (because I hate parties and never was into "networking") searching the busy Sunset traffic for my ride. Was walking past a few drunk White/Italian/Whatever dudes that were being silly, one just happened to trip into me and I caught him...in my heels. No thanks, just a shove with a "Don't touch me Ni**er" as his friends pulled him away. I can't tell you the countless times I have heard that word whispered, screamed, or said to me but I understand that it's a word that holds no power over me, unless I'm physically touched, it's just an annoyance to hear because it's the way it's intended to be used against me just for my skin color. Not my being, who I am, how I function, what I do...just a derogatory word to try and put me in my place unsuccessfully of course because I don't stand in a time where that power was given to a particular race group that found themselves superior just because the government allowed it so therefore has no bearing on my person here and now. Words hurt but I can side step that, physical action towards me will get you into a quick place of seeing what I'm made of. Hence I can't even wrap my head around anyone normalizing this behavior for a President.

So please try and understand that I can't shake this nation's choice of everything I've had to fight with in my life has just been chosen as the leader of our "Free World." My skin color, gender and who I am hasn't allowed that luxury in life and now I've got to wait, see, hope and then keep fighting if need be for myself and countless others. I'm not a "sore loser" or screaming electoral scams since that's been in play for ever...I'm just deeply saddened that as a whole, we couldn't sacrifice some of our ideals for the greater good of many. We decided to be selfish in our own ways and got someone so unqualified to now obtain the highest office of our land and those below him will be doing it for him - those are the people I'm most horrified of because their track record of what they've done is more scary than Clinton's Foreign Policy/emails and now we all get to see it unfold.

So thank you for those who didn't vote because of "wokeness" about the system and your vote not counting...because now I see that even through this rigged system, in swing states - IT WOULD'VE MATTERED because I'm sure more people didn't want this to be if they had the foresight to really understand the scope of this election.

Thank you to the protesting votes of Hambre/Hennessy being written in as well as 3rd Party votes because in swing states, it allowed this campaign ran on hate, bigotry, sexual assault being okay and countless other abhorrent/vile behavior, the platform it now has to do as it wishes. I see, IT DID MATTER.

To all of this - I voted because I mattered, the discriminated people for sexual identity, sexual preference mattered, what people died for mattered when not given the right, what kids can view as right and wrong mattered, feared ethnic groups being targeted mattered, deportation mattered etc, etc, etc and obviously because the people who decided the other stuff mattered more was going to show up and vote against it. I didn't get the candidate I wanted but I had to vote anyway...for me, for you, for our nation and now I'm going to fight, silently, methodically as I have...one step at a time. Go shine your light arties, this country needs all of it now more than ever - YOUR VOICE MATTERS!!!