The "Glamorous" Life of Auditions - Day 43 & 44 ( Auditions #49 & #50 )

"Can you understand the words comin' outta my mouth....because I can't!" HA!!! Frustrating to say the least but know that it's gonna happen and you've just gotta roll with it. Most days I'm in it to win it and then there are the far and few inbetweeners that seem to pop up outta nowhere to make me feel unactressy. Everyone knows its about the words and that can be the biggest hang up for most artists in this part of the business but you gotta get those right for the most part in order to book the job so as not to look like you're fresh into the business allowing the "nerves" to get to you. I haven't had a day like this in a long time so I guess I was due because, hey, you can't win them all...no matter how hard you try! I got my sleep, I didn't drunk drink the night before, I felt I had the lines and I woke up refreshed while getting ready with little to no stress. I did make breakfast which seemed to put me back a bit but nothing to make me feel out of sorts and I arrived having little to no hitch except entering in the wrong gate for my audition but made it to the room with no problems so why oh why could I not speak for this 2 minute scene??? I've done plays with words up the gazoo and yet a few lines can make my mouth feel like I've got quicksand sucking up my precious words...this can be disheartening but understand it happens but it's how you deal with it and yourself that's one of the most important lessons learned on this journey. I had read the scene and felt this role wasn't for me but noticed it was a casting director I had seen before so I decided to go along but not put too much into it since there wasn't much for the character anyway, the laugh was on for the main character and the ease of the rest of the cast in a ridiculous situation. I didn't like the description of dress for my character and it wasn't a scene I was all excited about but I wanted to put another good foot forward and either do well enough to be remembered or book the part and decide then whether it could all be worked out for me to do it. I went into the room pretty prepared in my mind and the first take was ghastly...there were gaps I couldn't seem to fill and all the funny was deflated out of my choice...it was awful and had I been given another take for that choice, I may have nailed it but because it failed so miserably she went in the opposite direction of just saying the lines with nothing really behind it. I processed it and felt ready to go although knowing I hate doing scenes that throw away lines for us unknown folks when you're not the star, but it's not up to you at times, there are other battles at other times that require that kind of attention. Some scenes will come up where there will be nothing you can do to make it artful to your soul but it's part of the job so you must make light of it because casting could call you in for something else later if maybe you don't do what I did...ha, ha, ha. I lost all function of my mouth and words just spilled out slurring along the way...who know what was said and if it made any sense but I kept going because dammit, I was going to just get through this process. I could've asked to stop but I was going to let this audition play out the way it was going too because I just didn't have the fight in me for this role on this particular day. It was what it was as I laughed saying thanks because I wasn't asked to do it again and walked out chuckling to myself at how terrible the play back was going to be. You gotta learn to laugh at yourself, yes it's a mess up but how many blooper reels do you have to see before you give yourself that leeway. We take ourselves so seriously and self deprecate when things don't go perfectly swell but learn to go with the flow of it, sometimes that imperfection works or brings out another nuance that couldn't be created with all the preparedness so walk away knowing you're a professional and if given the opportunity you could clean that all up. If most of your auditions are on point, brush these little hiccups as a time to laugh and enjoy your art for the flawed masterpiece that it is. I definitely drank my delicious $10 Leghorn corn whiskey from Trader Joe's that has been a secret find for days like these...bottoms up to mistakes and letting ourselves be human every chance we get!!!

So last week I had an audition with a scene regarding a woman coming out to a friend which was highly emotional but something I was able to contain and give the correct read via the casting director for by the 2nd take. I felt good about it but hadn't seen anyone that looked like me so I thought maybe I'd get pushed to the way side. Found out the day before leaving to see my Appa that I just got a call back/chemistry test read that it was to be on Wednesday. Discussed with my agent who totally understood my situation of auditioning thinking the call back would be that day by the latest since it was the week beforehand, not a week later while I have other plans on being out of state. Loved the script, loved the character and felt I could bring something other than the norm to the role and although given the opportunity, it just came a bit too late. I just couldn't cancel on seeing my Appa who's been crazy sick and my umma who's been running ragged taking care of him so my choice was clear but I did ask my agent to call to see if they could see me that day if that helped any. The answer was no so off I went as clear minded as I could back home to what was more important. This disease is something else...attacking every vital organ in your body shutting them down of their proper functions as you just waste away. Research done by family lead us to Vitamin C in powder form to place in his feeding tube along with Green Tea extract with the occasional splashes of fresh pressed juices to mix in the food without either folks knowing. I know what cleansing and ingesting proper foods can bring but for most skeptics that have never looked past western medicine its a difficult belief system to introduce. It takes years for your body to shut down and deal with disease, you would expect the mind to understand that it may take years to slow the process down and reverse some of your issues but we expect things to happen right away. We're shoved with pills and unnecessary operations accepting that willingly as our fate instead of doing something we may dislike, goodness forbid we retrain our minds about food, health and habits because it's not a quick fix. Watching a friend deal with chemo that went organic vegan because of a rare cancer and seeing her body fight is truly a sight to behold. She's in great spirits and stronger than most dealing with this process of healing because of her food habits which she'll attest to. Of course it isn't a miracle cure for her, but her whole being is constantly pushing back because what she has chosen to put into her body to fight. She's had to go back to some little intake of meats for extra strength but she realizes her choices of food before has kept her alive up to this point allowing her to fight another day. So take care of yous, be open to what can work with your body to make it the most efficient because this wondrous life and our dreams are worth fighting for and achieving...

Even though it felt like I was going to miss out, I had another audition to let me know that more will always be on the way. Hate missing out on such a great script but these new sides and creating this new character was exactly what I needed to get my art back on! Fun 3 page scene and saw that one of the executive producers was a female I wouldn't mind working with/for...so I memorized and created a grounded but fun character to portray and left it at that. Got an email stating they'd let me know and I was just happy to get a reply out of the audition stating they saw it...you just never know with these at home auditions so it's always a plus that someone reaches back out to you so crossing fingers and moving on as we all should...

I had the pleasure of meeting this young woman after I performed "Bee Luther Hatchee" at the Sierra Madre Playhouse. What made our meeting so special was that she had to wait for me to finish my talk backs and asked kindly to take pictures with me after I had spoken to everyone. For some reason, my character resonated with her although I wasn't the lead of the show and I was just touched at how much she fell for "Libby...my character." I took pictures that evening with her, found out she had an interest in acting and I told her to go for it but to do it for herself, not anyone else. She'll find out if she loved it then...fast forward to the end of the year and I get a message stating she's in her first play and she's the lead! Was asked if I could make it and with my Appa in the condition he was in, I wasn't quite sure but stated if in town, I'd be there. Made it back and was able to quietly be there without her knowledge to surprise her after...she was fantastic with all her words and I was truly humbled watching this young lady acting it out after our chat. No matter how small you may feel your world is, no matter how much more you may feel you have left to achieve your ideals, no matter how you may feel your outreach is...IT IS! You don't have any idea who is watching you, being inspired by you, rooting for you because maybe they can't reach out but they stay connected by quietly seeing you. You're not that celebrity they rush to yet so you don't get the accolades of hearing all the shouts and chants but whatever job you're doing with love, someone is paying attention and someone is being affected by it. I find art when I serve people at the bakery and no one really knows I'm an actress there except some who work there, otherwise it's just me pushing goodies into the hands of our customers...and I love it! Seeing the cute kiddos, helping folks out and trying to make their time in my presence just a bit better for it...so do all that you do in love of what you do, find your craft in it and watch how that goodness spreads, even on the bad days, you get to have some pretty amazing moments. This young lady showed me that art reaches whomever it speaks to and to be ready when artin' to understand that it's your job to keep doing the thing that you love to inspire someone else to do the same. Let's send out so much love, we all need it...I can't repeat that enough - LOVE!!!

The "Glamorous" Life of Auditions - Day 41 & 42 ( Audition #47 & #48)

Honestly, sometimes I just don't wanna art! My mind is scattered and I'm totally focused on my Appa's illness and nothing seems to grab me as I'm stuck between which of these are more important right now...but that's why you create! Bein' an artie is the freedom of expression and especially at your lowest, your most vulnerable because what you may find in the moments of escape, is the beauty of it all. Yes, that pain is real but instead of being destructive, pouring it into your art to express that pain will not only help release it but to empathize more if you so choose to do it in good health. Have restrictions? Have issues with certain "people/ways?" Understanding your pain will in turn help you to understand other people's pain, making you a better conduit to tell a story through your character. Learning to harness this energy is a liberating path but understand the depressive side of it all and have a firm grip on your support/foundation of love you can go to. No one needs to tap into the dark and stay there for too long, it's unnecessary - gaining understanding is good - living it constantly is detrimental. During those past times, I am ever so thankful for my training in martial arts - learning to harness my wants, my dreams, to feeling the weight of inequality in my very pursuit in this business, while dealing with jealousy of other artists, feeling alone, no steady income to sustain me, a failing relationship, my car accident that could've taken my life and everything I had hoped for up until that moment - to learn how to meditate and leave everything outside while I was on the mat made me a more elevated individual in tune with my pain/hurt but able to thrust it all in my tedious work of learning. Control, respect, strength and honor ingrained at times on my knees when I just let the tears flow...I learned restraint and a pull to find my center always in pain. In the midst of my journey towards black belt, within the first couple of years, I had a terrible car accident on the way to a play I was in. Driving down Sepulveda, a young kid thought racing in 2 lanes was more important than a life and as he hit another car and lost control crossing over the double yellow, he was going to kill me while having his moment of ego and fun. He hit my Toyota corolla going who knows how fast and clipped me just enough to flip my car several times down the road causing the car to crunch in all around me as I watched in slow motion the horror of my life ending. I saw the glass splatter about, so much so, it got into my eyes to the point I had to shut them. With my seat belt on, I could feel myself rolling and surrounded in white light I let it all go...through martial arts I had found this white light that I retreated to and I was just doing the same, going with the flow. I wasn't gone for long because all of a sudden I heard a voice telling me it was going to be okay, that they were there and the ambulance was on the way. My eyes were filled with glass as I tried to make out the voice but could only barely see an outline of fuzz everywhere. He asked if he could call anyone for me and I requested my failing relationship to be notified as well as the play if he could find the number since they were probably waiting for me to start the show. I probably was in and out but it didn't feel long before I heard the yellings of the fire department trying to figure out if I was paralyzed and how they were going to get me out of the enclosed vehicle. I remember one of them asking me to wiggle my toes and since I had glass in my eyes and couldn't see I didn't know if I was because I couldn't feel anything at that moment except for the uncomfortableness of my eyes. I wiggled, but had no clue on whether that was actually happening and if in fact, paralyzed. They kept splashing saline solution into my eyes but no one knew that glass was actually floating around there. Finally they had sawed the top of my crushed car's roof off and used the jaws of life to get me out of my what was suppose to be my death trap. I was rushed to the best of UCLA medical where I was told an MRI and cat scans was going to be my life for the time being and still my eyes hurt so I escaped to my white light. I thought I was gone but now I would have to deal with whatever life was going to hand me - paralysis, blindness etc, all in a terrible relationship. MRI after MRI after cat scan after cat scan...they couldn't find anything...not one broken bone, not one fracture, not one thing punctured and the only discomfort was my eyes. In disbelief they finally rushed me over to an eye specialist where she used a microscope, Q-tips and saline ( whatever else she had to use ) while she gently lifted pieces of glass out of my eyes one by one incredulously saying none of them entered into my eye. My eyes had literally been scraped up so badly from the glass floating, that I couldn't see and although she told me it should heal in a few weeks, I felt she was lying to wait to tell me about my new blindness. Scar running down my face and eyes so off I couldn't bare to show you the full picture shown. Through it all, my ridiculous relationship did the bare minimum and my mom flew down to help out as he went on a cruise that was already prepaid because....well, it was already prepaid. During these moments a few friends swung by and I still couldn't see but I could tell the healing had begun, from nothing, to shapes, to definite lines, to seeing faces, to my mom steadily being there nursing me back with food that I couldn't see eating, baths and walking with me so I wouldn't trip and fall. Through this very dark time of being immobile, getting better I began to realize I had a second chance in this life...although bleak, I was going to have a second chance! As I became stronger, I walked and realized my face was no longer seemingly perfect so there goes my acting career which was non-existent anyway which my mistake relationship pointed out to me before I kicked him out. "You're not an actress anyway, you don't book anything...so..." - best words ever from the guy who gave me not one gift on my birthdays and had selfishly gained acting gigs and the commercial agent I wanted on my coaching. Yes, I had helped him achieve more because he was the good looking, light skinned black guy with hazel eyes with charisma that everyone wanted and I was introverted. Into the light I went as I released his negative energy away but was pained at the years I had given him of myself and through this pain and anger, I became just a bit more free although in my chaotic process I lost a seemingly great agent at the time and life as I knew it. Through the years, through my pain and betrayal I learned to feel it but to release it by steadily focusing in through martial arts...another foundation besides my spirituality. I created art with my body to express my pain and it's the same then as is now but through words and actions on camera. Through this unique life of mine, I became a better actress, stronger in the rejections and celebratory in all the goodness I can find....because in the midst of pain, I learned how to walk with it, talk to it and use it to express my ART. I still feel the negative, I just won't allow it to stay for too long...my dream is dependent on that. So learn to redirect, it's a gift when learned and useful in this line of work as you create more flawed, human characters - even when others can't understand, they will get it later, years later or maybe not at all but they will be moved by it...so, just keep giving them all of it, you are more than one emotion so use it!!! CREATE, CREATE, CREATE...through the hurt, through the pain, you just might reach some clarity, so...CREATE!

And so I did...I've been off most auditions lately because of the unknown with my Appa but when I see something in the right time space, I've been able to submit. Haven't really fully committed to auditioning as of late but I'm okay with putting some feelers out as most things are on freeze and seeing if anything bites. This role looked fun and something I haven't truly played so I submitted and got the self tape audition. Although I got it Saturday morning, I was busy with family activities all day (which made my soul happy) and was only able to get the info late evening. I worked for most of the day Sunday and came home exhausted trying to memorize those pages that I thought would be fun. Again, almost threw in the towel because why? Went to work out Monday morning which I left re-energized and refocused on the task at hand...creating...this character. Came home overwhelmed with getting these massive lines in order, had food to replenish my soul and went to work late evening getting it captured on camera. I felt a bit lost because I knew what I wanted the character to be ( somewhat, slightly different from the usual given by the character breakdown, because I'm here to create...let me give you my version... ) but wasn't conveying it all to my beast. Words exchanged back and forth with me taking things personally and to heart but I've learned, learned how to still listen while feeling lost and frustrated because I couldn't get this character to act right and all my ideas seemed to be shot down but this time through someone who knows me, my work, believes in every ounce of my being when I'm in and knows exactly when I'm out. I wanted a real, depth to her even though the character is written as lost and spoiled, why keep giving people one dimension...let them try to see new and different takes if that is your speed. Deep breath, don't cry because things are amuck and focus...harness all of this and create...and so I did. I felt I gave her a different undertone than expected, nuances no one else might come up with and some unexpected improv that made even my beast chuckle. I needed to feel confident that I could do this while feeling all of these external things...practice, practicing to perfect it...control it, wield it and use it all! So happy with my 1st full take that I didn't do another and proud that I allowed the first 3 sloppy, hurting takes that didn't finish to roll off my back! Voila...

Short film audition shooting outside of L.A. is my next opportunity and I dived into the dialogue with one full day to really find this character trying to come out to a friend.Yes, I play it all...there is no bias when it comes to art except is there nudity, if so, how much nudity and if so, how does it drive the story? I've done a questionable few where I had argued until compromise of some sorts and have yet to do full nudity/rear nudity etc on any project I've ever worked on but it's not off the table if there is purpose. So yes to gay story lines, yes to being a killer, yes to being a fighter, yes, yes, yes to it all because through me, I know I can convey another message through my unique perception as well and I won't allow opinions to get in the way! This story had me in tears by the end and I'll be jealous of whomever gets the role but I'm crossing fingers that it's me even though I saw no one with my look there while I was waiting. I prefer readers, other aspiring artists trying to give you what you may need in the room but sadly that isn't always the case. This is why training with all levels of talent is important...to say you're above anyone for any reason is a disservice to you and your fellow being. Working with someone new, is like waiting for a something to happen because at any moment, they can give you anything whether it works or not and you as the experienced responder must deal with it. They may go up on a line, stutter a bit, not give it to you the way you may have seen it and it's excellent work for someone seasoned to have to deal with that during classes because through these moments of gifting while you feel frustrated in your work/responses, you learn how to deal with this aspect of the business. You walk into a room and no one else is an actor, you read with someone that's a friend of a friend covering for someone. With training, this won't throw you off, you won't be able to say "but they gave me nothing, so how am I able to react...." etc, etc, etc but you as a trained artist have had to deal with these situations and because of those circumstances you now can give something...it may be small but it's being able to use what you are given and making no excuses for the room. It's difficult but maybe your explosive moment now has to change because although you know another actor would read it with some more depth, you've got to deal with making sure your choices don't look absolutely outlandish in the midst of dealing with other things coming up. Case in point, I heard a younger girl in the room earlier and there is a moment in the scene for anger but judging from what the other person was doing in the room, the response came out of left field when I heard the outburst. You can practice it at home the way you think it may turn out but have a 2nd choice in your hip pocket that may help if someone gives you a different response than expected. When I went in I could already tell there was something in the air, so I put my things down and immediately got into the task at hand...until out of her frustration of the day, she made an observation and I was able to crack a quick joke about it all and a smile then appeared on her face. Tension released but I stayed in for business and only asked if she needed a slate. Read the scene in which I gave up my emotions a bit sooner than I had planned because I was reacting with the full story in mind but when she then told me to catch my breath, she explained what she felt the character to be and I processed that quickly because it was my actual 2nd choice of it all. I let it sink in and didn't let anything go until the last line in which she responded that was exactly what I wanted. She told me that was a good read a couple of times as I was heading out and I exited quickly saying thank you. Understand the room, know when it's chit chat time and when it's business and learn to exit even when they've warmed up to you, you can chat more when you get called back in or at another time, but don't ruin what you've done in the room by trying to network and befriend someone with idle talk. Stay professional, warm and exit having them wanting to call you back in. Done and gone... and on to the next one...

But in the meantime, if you're free this evening (Friday, December 8th) and wanting to catch a familiar face, I'll be on Discovery I.D.'s "Married With Secrets" as Detective Jane Smith in Season 2, Episode 2: video only on Facebook now at https://www.facebook.com/IntuitiveEntertainment/videos/10155220779679226/?hc_ref=ARSdym-CvhkhaNE5Z1WSCASt6gBHvzhq7mZmMF3oGTTIEPvJpa8cVubBMZha7jYqc4A&pnref=story

 "Two Nations" teaser trailer now out:

I've been asked to return for Season 3 of "Cheetah In August" so Karen is back and I'm thrilled:
 (Clip from Season 2)

Some time ago I wrote about my 1st experience as a fight choreographer for a music video of Dominique Young Unique Featuring Mandy Jiroux and I'm happy to say it's finally out: