Honestly, sometimes I just don't wanna art! My mind is scattered and I'm totally focused on my Appa's illness and nothing seems to grab me as I'm stuck between which of these are more important right now...but that's why you create! Bein' an artie is the freedom of expression and especially at your lowest, your most vulnerable because what you may find in the moments of escape, is the beauty of it all. Yes, that pain is real but instead of being destructive, pouring it into your art to express that pain will not only help release it but to empathize more if you so choose to do it in good health. Have restrictions? Have issues with certain "people/ways?" Understanding your pain will in turn help you to understand other people's pain, making you a better conduit to tell a story through your character. Learning to harness this energy is a liberating path but understand the depressive side of it all and have a firm grip on your support/foundation of love you can go to. No one needs to tap into the dark and stay there for too long, it's unnecessary - gaining understanding is good - living it constantly is detrimental. During those past times, I am ever so thankful for my training in martial arts - learning to harness my wants, my dreams, to feeling the weight of inequality in my very pursuit in this business, while dealing with jealousy of other artists, feeling alone, no steady income to sustain me, a failing relationship, my car accident that could've taken my life and everything I had hoped for up until that moment - to learn how to meditate and leave everything outside while I was on the mat made me a more elevated individual in tune with my pain/hurt but able to thrust it all in my tedious work of learning. Control, respect, strength and honor ingrained at times on my knees when I just let the tears flow...I learned restraint and a pull to find my center always in pain. In the midst of my journey towards black belt, within the first couple of years, I had a terrible car accident on the way to a play I was in. Driving down Sepulveda, a young kid thought racing in 2 lanes was more important than a life and as he hit another car and lost control crossing over the double yellow, he was going to kill me while having his moment of ego and fun. He hit my Toyota corolla going who knows how fast and clipped me just enough to flip my car several times down the road causing the car to crunch in all around me as I watched in slow motion the horror of my life ending. I saw the glass splatter about, so much so, it got into my eyes to the point I had to shut them. With my seat belt on, I could feel myself rolling and surrounded in white light I let it all go...through martial arts I had found this white light that I retreated to and I was just doing the same, going with the flow. I wasn't gone for long because all of a sudden I heard a voice telling me it was going to be okay, that they were there and the ambulance was on the way. My eyes were filled with glass as I tried to make out the voice but could only barely see an outline of fuzz everywhere. He asked if he could call anyone for me and I requested my failing relationship to be notified as well as the play if he could find the number since they were probably waiting for me to start the show. I probably was in and out but it didn't feel long before I heard the yellings of the fire department trying to figure out if I was paralyzed and how they were going to get me out of the enclosed vehicle. I remember one of them asking me to wiggle my toes and since I had glass in my eyes and couldn't see I didn't know if I was because I couldn't feel anything at that moment except for the uncomfortableness of my eyes. I wiggled, but had no clue on whether that was actually happening and if in fact, paralyzed. They kept splashing saline solution into my eyes but no one knew that glass was actually floating around there. Finally they had sawed the top of my crushed car's roof off and used the jaws of life to get me out of my what was suppose to be my death trap. I was rushed to the best of UCLA medical where I was told an MRI and cat scans was going to be my life for the time being and still my eyes hurt so I escaped to my white light. I thought I was gone but now I would have to deal with whatever life was going to hand me - paralysis, blindness etc, all in a terrible relationship. MRI after MRI after cat scan after cat scan...they couldn't find anything...not one broken bone, not one fracture, not one thing punctured and the only discomfort was my eyes. In disbelief they finally rushed me over to an eye specialist where she used a microscope, Q-tips and saline ( whatever else she had to use ) while she gently lifted pieces of glass out of my eyes one by one incredulously saying none of them entered into my eye. My eyes had literally been scraped up so badly from the glass floating, that I couldn't see and although she told me it should heal in a few weeks, I felt she was lying to wait to tell me about my new blindness. Scar running down my face and eyes so off I couldn't bare to show you the full picture shown. Through it all, my ridiculous relationship did the bare minimum and my mom flew down to help out as he went on a cruise that was already prepaid because....well, it was already prepaid. During these moments a few friends swung by and I still couldn't see but I could tell the healing had begun, from nothing, to shapes, to definite lines, to seeing faces, to my mom steadily being there nursing me back with food that I couldn't see eating, baths and walking with me so I wouldn't trip and fall. Through this very dark time of being immobile, getting better I began to realize I had a second chance in this life...although bleak, I was going to have a second chance! As I became stronger, I walked and realized my face was no longer seemingly perfect so there goes my acting career which was non-existent anyway which my mistake relationship pointed out to me before I kicked him out. "You're not an actress anyway, you don't book anything...so..." - best words ever from the guy who gave me not one gift on my birthdays and had selfishly gained acting gigs and the commercial agent I wanted on my coaching. Yes, I had helped him achieve more because he was the good looking, light skinned black guy with hazel eyes with charisma that everyone wanted and I was introverted. Into the light I went as I released his negative energy away but was pained at the years I had given him of myself and through this pain and anger, I became just a bit more free although in my chaotic process I lost a seemingly great agent at the time and life as I knew it. Through the years, through my pain and betrayal I learned to feel it but to release it by steadily focusing in through martial arts...another foundation besides my spirituality. I created art with my body to express my pain and it's the same then as is now but through words and actions on camera. Through this unique life of mine, I became a better actress, stronger in the rejections and celebratory in all the goodness I can find....because in the midst of pain, I learned how to walk with it, talk to it and use it to express my ART. I still feel the negative, I just won't allow it to stay for too long...my dream is dependent on that. So learn to redirect, it's a gift when learned and useful in this line of work as you create more flawed, human characters - even when others can't understand, they will get it later, years later or maybe not at all but they will be moved by it...so, just keep giving them all of it, you are more than one emotion so use it!!! CREATE, CREATE, CREATE...through the hurt, through the pain, you just might reach some clarity, so...CREATE!
And so I did...I've been off most auditions lately because of the unknown with my Appa but when I see something in the right time space, I've been able to submit. Haven't really fully committed to auditioning as of late but I'm okay with putting some feelers out as most things are on freeze and seeing if anything bites. This role looked fun and something I haven't truly played so I submitted and got the self tape audition. Although I got it Saturday morning, I was busy with family activities all day (which made my soul happy) and was only able to get the info late evening. I worked for most of the day Sunday and came home exhausted trying to memorize those pages that I thought would be fun. Again, almost threw in the towel because why? Went to work out Monday morning which I left re-energized and refocused on the task at hand...creating...this character. Came home overwhelmed with getting these massive lines in order, had food to replenish my soul and went to work late evening getting it captured on camera. I felt a bit lost because I knew what I wanted the character to be ( somewhat, slightly different from the usual given by the character breakdown, because I'm here to create...let me give you my version... ) but wasn't conveying it all to my beast. Words exchanged back and forth with me taking things personally and to heart but I've learned, learned how to still listen while feeling lost and frustrated because I couldn't get this character to act right and all my ideas seemed to be shot down but this time through someone who knows me, my work, believes in every ounce of my being when I'm in and knows exactly when I'm out. I wanted a real, depth to her even though the character is written as lost and spoiled, why keep giving people one dimension...let them try to see new and different takes if that is your speed. Deep breath, don't cry because things are amuck and focus...harness all of this and create...and so I did. I felt I gave her a different undertone than expected, nuances no one else might come up with and some unexpected improv that made even my beast chuckle. I needed to feel confident that I could do this while feeling all of these external things...practice, practicing to perfect it...control it, wield it and use it all! So happy with my 1st full take that I didn't do another and proud that I allowed the first 3 sloppy, hurting takes that didn't finish to roll off my back! Voila...
Short film audition shooting outside of L.A. is my next opportunity and I dived into the dialogue with one full day to really find this character trying to come out to a friend.Yes, I play it all...there is no bias when it comes to art except is there nudity, if so, how much nudity and if so, how does it drive the story? I've done a questionable few where I had argued until compromise of some sorts and have yet to do full nudity/rear nudity etc on any project I've ever worked on but it's not off the table if there is purpose. So yes to gay story lines, yes to being a killer, yes to being a fighter, yes, yes, yes to it all because through me, I know I can convey another message through my unique perception as well and I won't allow opinions to get in the way! This story had me in tears by the end and I'll be jealous of whomever gets the role but I'm crossing fingers that it's me even though I saw no one with my look there while I was waiting. I prefer readers, other aspiring artists trying to give you what you may need in the room but sadly that isn't always the case. This is why training with all levels of talent is important...to say you're above anyone for any reason is a disservice to you and your fellow being. Working with someone new, is like waiting for a something to happen because at any moment, they can give you anything whether it works or not and you as the experienced responder must deal with it. They may go up on a line, stutter a bit, not give it to you the way you may have seen it and it's excellent work for someone seasoned to have to deal with that during classes because through these moments of gifting while you feel frustrated in your work/responses, you learn how to deal with this aspect of the business. You walk into a room and no one else is an actor, you read with someone that's a friend of a friend covering for someone. With training, this won't throw you off, you won't be able to say "but they gave me nothing, so how am I able to react...." etc, etc, etc but you as a trained artist have had to deal with these situations and because of those circumstances you now can give something...it may be small but it's being able to use what you are given and making no excuses for the room. It's difficult but maybe your explosive moment now has to change because although you know another actor would read it with some more depth, you've got to deal with making sure your choices don't look absolutely outlandish in the midst of dealing with other things coming up. Case in point, I heard a younger girl in the room earlier and there is a moment in the scene for anger but judging from what the other person was doing in the room, the response came out of left field when I heard the outburst. You can practice it at home the way you think it may turn out but have a 2nd choice in your hip pocket that may help if someone gives you a different response than expected. When I went in I could already tell there was something in the air, so I put my things down and immediately got into the task at hand...until out of her frustration of the day, she made an observation and I was able to crack a quick joke about it all and a smile then appeared on her face. Tension released but I stayed in for business and only asked if she needed a slate. Read the scene in which I gave up my emotions a bit sooner than I had planned because I was reacting with the full story in mind but when she then told me to catch my breath, she explained what she felt the character to be and I processed that quickly because it was my actual 2nd choice of it all. I let it sink in and didn't let anything go until the last line in which she responded that was exactly what I wanted. She told me that was a good read a couple of times as I was heading out and I exited quickly saying thank you. Understand the room, know when it's chit chat time and when it's business and learn to exit even when they've warmed up to you, you can chat more when you get called back in or at another time, but don't ruin what you've done in the room by trying to network and befriend someone with idle talk. Stay professional, warm and exit having them wanting to call you back in. Done and gone... and on to the next one...But in the meantime, if you're free this evening (Friday, December 8th) and wanting to catch a familiar face, I'll be on Discovery I.D.'s "Married With Secrets" as Detective Jane Smith in Season 2, Episode 2: video only on Facebook now at https://www.facebook.com/IntuitiveEntertainment/videos/10155220779679226/?hc_ref=ARSdym-CvhkhaNE5Z1WSCASt6gBHvzhq7mZmMF3oGTTIEPvJpa8cVubBMZha7jYqc4A&pnref=story
"Two Nations" teaser trailer now out:
I've been asked to return for Season 3 of "Cheetah In August" so Karen is back and I'm thrilled:
(Clip from Season 2)
Some time ago I wrote about my 1st experience as a fight choreographer for a music video of Dominique Young Unique Featuring Mandy Jiroux and I'm happy to say it's finally out:
warrior.
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