The Glamorous Life of Auditions - Day 7 & 8


It's always wonderful being booked for a play you have no idea of because you've never had the opportunity to dabble in the genre ( haven't received script yet but I'm chomping at the bits here ) and then get 3 more auditions, one being for Shakespeare but for 2 roles ( having fun with the text now ) while dealing with more pages although lucky it's only one line for one of them!!! Winner, winner - I love these and am nervous about them all at the same time. My brain is good but with all this text bambling about my head, I get a little leary I may either blank all together or give them a mash up - HA! I've learned that when this happens, I go through all my auditions everyday all together with no space in between. I jump from character role to character role to train my brain to jump into the next scene without too much mishap, this little trick has saved me plenty of times so I don't become too focused on any given sides regardless of how difficult they are. After memorizing them, I bounce them back and forth in my noggin to help with the jumbles! I was able to work out, feel great and get ready for my evening audition in Hollywood with little to no traffic. The first was for a film and only one line which I was able to play around with and throw in some improv if need be so I felt prepared, which is a good thing since it was with one of my favorite casting directors - Ms. Natasha Ward who's doing plenty of projects so get on that, she's actor friendly and truly roots for you in the room. I decided to combine my two separate auditions into one day since I dressed the exact same way down to the hair did. One was for a newscaster and the other for a lawyer, family member...I was prepared and my brain/mouth didn't fail me - WHEW! Arrived on time for the first audition and was solid but was requested to do another one for safety which I read with another improv choice, then I was out. I treated myself to some new menu items ( Mediterranean Salad with hummus & tempura fried green beans which tasted just as good as fries ) at Veggie Grill to celebrate which I'm not able to show because...I was greedy and started to eat and then my phone battery drained. Never said I was good at this! Raced home going over my lines for the next role as a family member via my phone recorder so that I could get that into place for the next evening. Luckily the next day, I was granted a 30 min. early work exit leave and was able to race home, snack and make-up myself but still racing because I was running about 10 min's late which I thankfully had already put in the notes. Arrived and went in ready! Did a few things that pushed the character which they thanked me for and as I exited, I was stopped to read for another role they had in mind for me. It was a monologue!!! This character is someone I haven't had the pleasure of playing yet and so I sunk in, I had about 3 people go in so I prepped as best as I could...I pushed and I had fun being this lady so opposite of me but obviously in me, walking out being told I was one bad mamajamma!!!! Laughed it off, changed and noticed a briefcase/bag with sweater on the floor by the bathroom that had been there since I had been there. I grabbed it, went to the front but had to go find the receptionist and place it in his hands knowing how awful I would've felt if someone didn't turn in my stuff. No matter how many things of mine have been stolen or lost etc., I understand that feeling and wish it on no one...especially another artist struggling just to make it. We all have our own battles but to take from another human being isn't one of them, we're here to do what we can when we can, so understand, we've all felt loss/betrayed - let's choose not to keep repeating the cycle. I rewarded myself once again with another meal from Veggie Grill, a favorite of mine and off I raced home to relax, go over my Twelfth Night lines as I readied myself for work the next day. I worked but today I found out I am officially booked as the 2nd character read, the one I really wanted but knew nothing about but glad I got to read for instead!!!! Paperwork sent, signed and date of shooting in the books but I won't be able to peep a word until...but YAY to another fun role to add to my repertoire, can't wait to really have it and then shoot this monster all worked out on my closing weekend of my play! Where there is a will...there is definitely a way because I was told another day at first that was of course, perfect but then got the correct date only for it to fall on my closing weekend but I told them we could work this out and lets do just that - it's a done dealio now, first one in to make sure I'm done in time for my performance on stage closing weekend.

I've been working my boo-tay off, getting in my 2 hours a day at least 3 days a week along with yoga workouts on at least 2 other days and still feeling great eating vegan 5 days a week, then vegetarian for 1 day as well as having one splurge day. I didn't think my body would adjust, but it has and it's doing it splendidly. There are still some things I haven't the taste for, but I'm growing and learning that my body is a machine I want to keep in top physical condition for as long as I can. Do I still enjoy goodies? You betcha! That won't ever change, it's just different now but look at my lovely purple, sweet potato tacos and vegan spice cup cakes with almonds!!! Delicious, colorful and more than satisfying, loving the food options because it doesn't have to be boring unless you make it so. Another thing, as long as you work on your body, make sure it's a lifestyle change, not something for a reason now but for you - the changes will come, maybe not the way you want them to but working out and eating right for most of the time will make itself known in your body. It's up to you to respect that and appreciate how hard you've been working. In this business we get so caught up on how "skinny" we should be because we get that shoved down our throat with images, with what may be said in the room etc but in the end, it's up to us to allow certain images into our realm. You are your own unique footprint, there is no one like you....SHINE because you know that. It's hard while you're going through the process because I heard too when I was at my biggest and told I needed to tone up but was also told that my martial arts was top notch as well as my acting. I get it, this business can be a look thing, especially if you don't fall immediately into the "character" pile but I've always worked out like a madwoman, I've always eaten fairly well and although I may have a cheat day, I only do vegan treats on other days to celebrate yet my body still doesn't show it in the way "Hollywood" standards are being given. Look, you are stuck with your body and yes you can change it but I've only changed it to a certain point that I'm happy with. Do I look at the smaller females and wish, of course but I'm not willing to sacrifice my health for it. I've already been told what foods I could eat, which is great for my body, I've already went vegan, I already work out practically every day and now I've accepted I've got curves, some jiggle but I love all of it, on me. I feel feminine but strong, that's how my body is built and maybe for a role in the future I may have to lose it all so I'm enjoying it all now while I can. You can fight all this hoopla by just being healthy, if you know you're healthy then that is all that matters, the body tone up will come, your peace of mind is coming but you've gotta feed your brain the images you know are healthy for you and then be strong enough to stand in your own skin. I now understand what this business sees when they look at me, what they would rather see but I also know what I can give them so you keep pushing that. This business rewards the tenacious, not always the talented but if you've got talent and you keep focused, your time regardless of your "look" will win out but you've got to stay in it in order to push the envelope. Understand, someone is counting on you to make the next step, to open that door...to be inspired, so GO INSPIRE - just like this flowered, raspberry cupcake did for me on my cheat day!!!! Yummers in your belly...Yummers in your work!!!

The Glamorous Life of Auditions - Day 6

Missing the mark is never easy and it's even worse when the director that loves your work calls you in...but it happens and it just happened to me. This rarely comes up but when it does, my stomach churns and I usually can't sleep. I've let it go but there's nothing like that back voice of understanding after the fact and although most times I know I've nailed it and there is nothing else I can do, every once in awhile I'm at a total loss but this is when you grow as an artist, you learn something then you move on. Sci-Fi isn't even on my radar because it's something as a minority you're not even considered unless you have a name. The one time I was called in for this type of genre it was for a captain type role but never an alien, never a non human and from what I've always gathered it was the appearance of the alien always trying to fit in, be human. I love Sci-Fi but I'm usually disappointed in the shows and I haven't caught one I could be fascinated in with yet, so needless to say, I'm lacking in this genre of skill set but will be slowly researching this as we go along from now on. I get a call from the director letting me know she wants me in for a role as an alien in a Sci-Fi short play for the Sci-Fi Fest and it would be good for me to read for the role. I get the 17 page script over the weekend and devour it but don't get the audition notice of pages to look over until Monday afternoon with the audition being Tuesday evening...4 pages of slightly off dialogue because the language of the alien is mixed with regular speech so this is super difficult to even get my brain to understand the text as well as memorize it. From my understanding of the script, I feel like the alien is human because of years of training with slight alien characteristics, I don't really see additional info telling me otherwise so my choices lie in that. I give it deliberate blinking and stillness because that is what I can play with in about a day with such interesting dialogue and what I can gather from my knowledge base. I was told to bring my exotic/Asian flair in which I misunderstood as my appearance...I highlighted my eyes to make them glow in a sense with more shimmery makeup to give myself a slightly heightened look. I thought I was on the right track...I was not - HA! I get in, my choice is in weird stillness for over compensation of this being trying to be human and I do the scene, we go back and I'm told to tighten it up, try to speak differently as I had when I pronounced a word during the last take. I put my octave a bit higher and I try to add some head movements but was stopped by my loving director saying the read was the same and to give her something more Asian/exotic...BOOM, I understood now what she meant...it was in the accent/language of the character. I still made the speech a bit deliberate but there was a moment I didn't get my cue line from the reader so I waited for a bit then since he couldn't seem to find it, I jumped into the next line but by then it may have seemed my pauses were too big. A mess for me in ways but I got it after the fact and I just smiled exiting the room because I knew whatever this was, it wasn't mine - urghhh. I realized in the car what she wanted, what I didn't quite understand and what I could've done/asked but with the amount of time I was at a loss. This happens, I didn't give a bad read, I just didn't give the read I was expected too because my lack of understanding. I take responsibility because I didn't ask more questions but then and again, I didn't quite understand the direction they were looking for with this piece as well. I could've asked more questions but I tried to find them on my own - discover my choices and what I came up with was wrong...for their project. Look, we can have "off" auditions because we just make choices as artists but you can't beat yourself up for not knowing what it is that they're looking for. You go in, you give them what you got and you leave with those choices, it's not bad...it's just not that piece and if you don't get it clearly, don't understand it because it's not in your wheel house that's a part of this game. Of course you'll have it if given more insight of the script or more time to work with the director etc after you book but this process of the audition can be a guessing game and there are no wrong choices, just more interesting ones you must find as an artist. What did I learn? To maybe ask if the alien is more outright alien or not, did they want movement, if they want an accent/language distinction ( before the audition ) and if I get it somewhat at the end, maybe ask to leave the room - gather myself for the new information flooding my character build and come in...the worse they can say is no. I'm growing as an artist always so getting new information is always something to understand and be open to. I'm glad I went through this with a director that knows me and my work so that I am more prepared for the next opportunity that arises. We all feel like we didn't "get" it in the room every now and then, but know it's a growing point to figure it out and definitely move on!!!
 

Move on you say...how could I not with a plethera of these delicious goods from my local bakery that I not only support but work at as well. This is how you get over a audition you don't feel great about - you do something for yourself, you give something back to yourself to celebrate you learned something new and that you are still able to do so! It's not the end of the world, it's an audition that you will nail the next time because you as an artist is strong enough to grow and understand that there are times you do nail it and still don't get the part...so it is, enjoy the good stuff because what is meant for you will be yours, when it's your time, it's all yours and you will step in, step up and ROAR loudly! So go ahead, grab something to make you smile and know that you are a creative human being rising to challenges every time you walk out to audition. What am I giving myself...hmmmmm, what am I not after an audition. Lucky for me today is a full vegetarian eat day and I've got a mushroom and swiss croissant calling my name along with a cheesecake to celebrate my artistry...even got myself some flowers to remind myself that I need to keep doing this, that this is my calling and to never give up because there will be bad days, it's how I handle them that matters.


So without further adieu, I've been submitting "JANE" to several festivals and although I didn't get into the Las Vegas Black Film Festival, we did receive the Bronze Laurels and are a part of the 2016 Film Selection by Fame'us International to be shown at the end of the year! I haven't submitted to any this month but will make my way back next month after getting caught up, but I'm excited to see what the other festivals may say in June. Now understand, this was a 13 episode web series idea, I shot an episode and a scene to promote it and felt although it was very different because it's a middle of a story, that I could show it as a short. Edit it as such, then submitted it while now writing it as a feature as well, we've got to just go with the flow sometimes and realize that maybe not everyone gets it, but that is true art. What speaks to one person and is so perfectly right doesn't say a damn word to the next...your work is that, art is that...ART is THAT! Don't forget how special you are because of all the rejections, off days and no bookings...you could be one audition away from making your mark so don't walk away because you feel you don't got it. YOU GOT IT, but you must know you got it and you know by training, training and working that training some more - sometimes it takes months, other times years and let me tell you it's taken me years just to get here and it is sweeter and more beautiful than I could've imagined. I can't wait to see how far I can go...and I'm excited for your journey as well. Hang in, stay strong and GIVE THEM ART!!!!

The Glamorous Life of Auditions - Day 5

To Greek/Shakespeare or not to Greek/Shakespeare...that is the question. In my pursuit of never having a chance to be a part of a production in this genre, it's always been an inside joke of mine in every room to see how casting will react. I do have some theatre credits but nothing that ties me to this particular style and since it's already tough enough as a black/mixed female, the chances are slim to none to get a shot in this part of the arts and I believe more so in L.A. If it's not something you do, most don't think you can handle the text...let me tell you something, if you love this art for what it can give, you will learn text easy so try not to push this aside just because of people's lack of insight. I find that most people that have so called trained in the theatre, do theatre, talk theatre can't hold my attention when I watch them...why, with everyone screaming it's what they do, it's they're passion etc., etc., etc. Because it's all the outside, what they feel on the inside isn't conveyed and no one, not even the director can tell them otherwise. It's pretty sad because I love theatre but being someone trained as such but never really doing it until the past 2 years, I came across a lot of snobbery. It's ridiculous...I've seen so called "Broadway Award Winning Actors/Actresses" that seemingly ruined the experience yet the girl/guy with no name, barely any credits fascinated me to no ends. Why? I felt them...I didn't see line readings because this is what you do all day every day....I saw that character, vulnerable and waiting for anything to happen because that person with no name was present and real. I don't care if you made a history book of your character, if you can't make me feel who this person is, I'm out. So don't dispel a chance to keep pushing that door if it's something you want to do just because of the lack of credits. I didn't have credits walking in to do "Flyin' West" and the director looked right past it...it takes the right person on the other side to see you...truly see you, not your walk and talk nor dress but the essence of the character you've put work into. I will forever be grateful to Ms. Saundra McClain for being that director more interested in the work, not if you look as she imagined or wanted for the character but open to being changed in the room by interesting/true work. She changed my mind about someone who is surrounded and loved by theatre and yet doesn't allow the prejudices of that life to hinder her seeing talent when it walks into the room regardless of where you're at in your career. She is one of few but you must keep seeking people like her out and the only way to do that is to keep submitting until someone calls you in and then keep doing all of that until you walk into the right room/right time then unleash your creative beast!


I auditioned for "The Archer of Malis" but instead of an excerpt from the play, they asked us to come up with a monologue from that era. I had a couple of ideas but asked my girl, Cheri since she is a Shakespeare God! Her life has been nothing but the theatre and stuff any black woman would be eternally grateful to be a part of...she loves good work by anyone and we bonded over "Flyin' West."  She told me to go with "Cassandra" from "The Trojan Women" and I trusted every word she said to me about the role. I worked for 3 days getting a 2 minute monologue together by picking the last piece of Cassandra's speech where she rips off her clothes. OH MY.... I wanted to read an unfamiliar role and give myself 3 days to conquer my understanding of the piece as well as come up with execution. I wanted to feel thrown in as I would if I were to book the role since I've never read "The Archer of Malis." I buckled in and memorized but while doing so, planned my attack on the script. 2 minutes to show what I could bring to a world I've never been in ( but have desperately wanted to be ) and I went for it from the depths of my art. I've never intentionally shown my body without my undergarments before but this piece literally had it's ripping in notes and because this role was so beautifully written, it only made sense as a bereft, going mad goddess. I chose a difficult place to come in on but I wanted the disheveled, mad to pieces and lost with understanding in my piece, it was all or nothing and I chose all. I went in and went mad...tragically so and I pulled at my dress until my soul barred. This is the great thing about going to this place with conviction first, you've pushed the role to the heavens, now they want to see you back off of it and if that isn't the easiest part...love it every time. "Can you stand still...be...simple..." - "Why, yes...yes I can..." and I did, simple...truthful...powerful as Allen Levin of Lifebook always puts it, he pushed me in both and now I relish it after going big. He asked how I felt...I told him great and how did he feel. He asked if I liked it and out of my love of the arts I told him "I like to work." I meant to work my art but that came out and the casting director spit up a little and choked on some laughter. I wasn't going to take it back nor back pedal because it was truthful as well. They thanked me, wished me luck with the nomination since I had to reschedule my time for a bit earlier to make the NAACP Theatre Awards Ceremony and I changed in the bathroom, peeking out for ladies that may need to use it while waiting. I saw another actor Jahmaul from "When Stars Align" so I knew this production was open to all types and that made my soul smile to the heavens for being able to audition for something so truly wanting to do something different. Dressed, remake-up and pulled it together for my trip not too far away. I thanked the casting again as I left and felt the world smiling back. I was called in for the callbacks a few days later, right when I thought I wasn't going to get one and although I was going to be out of town with family, it was decided I'd make the very first callback ever given in a Greek/Sophacle's play as the goddess Odysseus although I initially read for the merchant/captain. I spent my car trip memorizing my scene as well as any time I could steal away alone when no company was around. Even had fam bam reading lines with me after the festivities with everyone around laughing and cheering me on - thanks again Robert and because of all this...I BOOKED IT!!!! I have booked my first Greek play now, within the 2 years of me starting this theatre journey and will get to workshop it at the Getty Villa as well as doing it at the Lounge Theatre in Los Angeles. Wowsers...another dream getting in, all because I decided I was going to show that I could do theatre too - credits or no credits, I just wanted to be a part of the truly outstanding stuff and I wasn't going to take no as an answer. Don't give in to that "no" no matter how beat down you may feel...this business isn't always surrounded by talent but by constant, focused persistency...then you shine with your magical stuff!!!

Made it to the NAACP Awards at the Nate Holden Theatre and was taken away by the step and repeat, cameras and people...much bigger deal than I had thought. I slipped away to the bathroom to gather my breathe since I was the first it seemed and when I kicked myself out of the restroom I went to find my cast mates. We all gathered to chat, walk the step & repeat and as they hung out, I slipped into the feasting area to eat something to calm my nerves and drink some champagne to celebrate the fact I was there. The rest of the cast joined me eventually as I ate alone for a moment soaking up the thoughts of how I made it to this point. Never if I had listened to the negativity of people around theatre or about theatre, I understood I could do it if I just tried and kept trying. I'm forever grateful for having talks to Cheri about her only entertainment involvement being on stage and I knew I wanted a piece of that goodness. "Flyin' West..." my first major play on a major stage that got me my equity card and now nominated for "Best Ensemble." Crazy right?!?! I couldn't wait to put nominated for "Best Ensemble" on my resume next to that credit, just being there made me realize how far I had come and how most work ever so diligently to get right to where I am. I've officially done 4 more productions after that within the past 2 years as well, then some film/web things to keep me busy so I will keep forward on this. Sitting in the auditorium, watching the process and finally seeing our category come up and knowing there was no way to beat out the bigger productions in our category but hearing "Flyin' West" as the winner! HOLY MOLY...did I just hear correctly, couldn't possibly be...we move slowly to the stage and the flush of what just happened washes over us as I stand in a daze watching Cheri give our speech. We walk off stage confused as to whether that just really happened...it did...it really did...we won "Best Ensemble" - wahoooooo!



These past few months have just been celebrating the choices of my body of art and as it comes around, I'm enjoying all the work I put in...the roles I submitted for so I could get a mixed bag of characters under my skill set, small, yes..but mine. From the sniper in "The Package" making it's premiere, to winning the NAACP's award for being a pioneer woman, as well as being able to hang with Sally Field, Michael Showalter and another beautifully, tall, naturally, big hair actress Kate Comer whilst being a rude runner! Crazy, dazy month but something to make me realize that the work I put in the past 2 years are starting to come around and that is what we wait for as artists. Sometimes things don't and that's the side that hurts because I did it for years ( 2 years is the focus recently but I've been SAG since 1997 - getting real by getting an agent around 2000 & then quitting for over 8 years ), but when they do come around, it's a week to week stomping of letting you know why you do what you do. Hang on to that feeling, understand why you're here and what story you want to be a part of and keep after that, even when being told "No," "You're not right," "Your choices didn't work," etc., etc., etc. It takes a few people to really see the diamond in the rough that you are but you got to keep shining brightly so others in your tribe can notice your unique glow. Step and repeats, red carpets and under the bold lights is where you all belong, claim that in your work and let them keep seeing you determined with your insight of the art you want to be a part of. Don't stop dreaming...don't ever stop believing and my god, please have fun along the way!!!!  

The Glamorous Life of Auditions - Day 4

You've got a gift and still that doesn't help you any more than not until one day...you gotta keep fighting! I received my black belt in 2007, fighting over 7 years to achieve that dream from a master of the arts that I am proud to be a part of but would never see how much more I would have to fight on in order to get to today...2016. I got my black belt for myself, I had quit this unpredictable business and knew I was always drawn to karate (me & my dad, good grades & Kung Fu Theatre) and since meeting Master Rifkin, I knew I was home. He never treated me like a girl, he never allowed any less from me because I was one and he always saw my potential - even when I was going to quit because of financial obligations he pushed my excuses aside and traded me work for my lessons. I fought long and hard on days I wanted to be there but more so on days I did not because I was expected to excel. I hated fighting nothing but men, it seemed all the women left once sparring became the norm and not too many women were okay with truly getting hit in the face but I saw the retreat in that and took the challenge instead. For my 3+ hours on the mat by myself, having to break 3 boards (not 2 like most girls are allowed now) with a blindfolded jumping back kick that took me 3 times - because I couldn't see/exhausted/tears & sweat in my eyes and fighting 3 black belt males fresh off the seats after 3 hours of me struggling to stay afloat, then dealing with them attacking me with knives...I learned quickly, once you get over that...the sky is the limit and I pushed to become one of the best as one of the first black belt female martial artists at my school. Eventually acting came back around via the show "The Colony" and I realized I wasn't done with my journey but had hid instead. Getting back on a theatre stage made me realize how much I truly felt at home when acting and I will never step away because of struggle again. Through those years I heard of stunt women making a way but they never seemed to excel to the next level...especially if they were a minority and by minority, I mean leaning towards black because that is my experience. I never wanted to do stunts for other women and maybe hurt myself in the process for not even the glory of my own work so I pushed on...and on...and on. Looking back, I can't tell you how many auditions (in the little given for all ethnic women) I went to and realized I was maybe 1 of 2 black female martial artists (on a good day) in the room for the auditions and behold the production always went for the usual suspects and not always Asian to boot. Most of the women there never took a class before but because they were dancers or had the right look, maybe had high kicks or could "pretend" they knew what they were doing because let's face it, it was for Gatorade or some Gym etc., they were able to pass. My black belt got me nowhere...even my management team told me it was a useless commodity because when will this business look for a female, minority/black martial artist truly so take my pictures down. I refused...this journey was a part of me, who I truly am and this industry must realize/wake up to the fact that there is a diverse amount of women that can truly fight, studied to fight and have degrees in fighting. We're attractive too...we're just not the norm but you can go to any martial arts school and see at least one black female around studying so is it so much to ask to be better represented in this field???? Obviously yes, because after years of realizing that my black belt didn't help me put me in another box to propel me forward as it might another race, I decided to write "JANE." Since this business wasn't going to give me a shot and I would have to compete with the norm instead of the skilled, I wanted to express what I had taken years to obtain as something to respect. See, maybe your skill is something really awesome but because you look the way you do, you may not get a chance to compete in that arena...not even if you out skill your counterpart but because they have a name, they may get some 2-3 month training instead and book the part that could've been yours or they have the right look/body type so they get that role...SO WHAT!!!! If you do something with passion and you love it to the highest form, one day the view of what you should be...how you should look...how you are perceived will slowly begin to fade. This industry is full of hard battles and someone has to break a path...if you are unwilling, you are making it just that much more harder for someone else behind you trying to follow in your footsteps. I took on that battle a long time ago...I've got nothing to show for it but that the fact that now when I walk into an office playing any kind of fighting character...they understand it's real, almost to a point that they forget I can really act as well.


Today was one of those days...it has taken 12+ years to finally get called in as a true martial arts fighter and that's with a black belt in an acting gig. Not a kickboxer with some skills, not a stunt woman that can do some things but a role that is clearly stated as being a "Martial Artist/Fight Opponent" on the Disney lot asking for ethnic women as well. I even work my gee pants and brought my top/belt with me over some regular work out clothes because again, I know what this business wants to see. I decided not to take off my gee pants when I arrived since I was the only one and I did see another black female leaving the audition (wahoo) with work out gear on instead, she looked like a stunt gal and was built, love when I see that because skinny isn't always healthy/strong and that's real in martial arts. I stretched in case I needed to do some kicks and saw there were sides to memorize - YIKES. No sides given for the breakdown/audition the night before but lookey, lookey - a page of slight dialogue and I work it in my brain. She gives me some time but when she comes out after another guy arrives, she lets him know I'm the real deal and not to mess with me...gotta love that respect. The audition called for some emotional turmoil and I let my tears do the rolling...just like that it was over, she wanted 2 takes and I knew I won another fan in the room. That's why you study your gifts proficiently...you never give someone else the excuse to disregard your talent in the room. Yes, I'm a real fighter but yes, I'm a real actress too, I will beat your bootay and then cry about it if need be and not blink an eye about it because that's how much I love what I do. As I leave I can feel the energy change...I'm not just another stunt woman, another fighter but I am what I am suppose to be, well rounded in my art. Leaving the lots, I can see the male crews out there working shift focus (curious of black belt gee)...it's a new day! Had my belt around my neck and my pants swishing on the Disney Lot and saw nothing but respect in many different eyes as I passed so I realize my fight wasn't in vein...it's brought me here 8 years after the fact of my black belt and more than 12 years of really fighting, I finally, as a black female am reading for a fighter role in a martial arts studio. YES! YES! YES! Gotta love the changes and we've gotta keep pushing for that. When it seems for naught, realize that someone, somewhere is counting on you to give them hope and so you must, that is your responsibility as an artist. Do your work, do it well and eventually no one can deny who you truly are nor the power you behold and in that moment, you've opened another door for someone else to be viewed with less scrutiny, so understand your purpose and FIGHT!

I've officially sent out to 8 film festivals that want shorts too and I start hearing back from them in 5 days so fingers/toes are crossed because as you can see in the video below, I was weary...procrastinating and downright fearful of the eyes on my work. Still I pushed on, it took me all morning knowing this is what I was suppose to do with my passion project, yet here I was scared out of my mind because of known judgement. I got over it in acting...I will get over it with my creations of work because you must if you scream diversity...you must take your part in this fight to make this industry better represented for us all. I'm working on it and becoming stronger as you must...as you will! "JANE" is this years active goal in all things possible, I will fight to have this work pushing up against doors because today after my audition, I realized there is no going around it. If I want to be represented, I must make others see that it is easy and possible but how can they take notice if the only thing we do is complain. You must be the change you seek and while doing so, you may just see some changes along the way to make you take notice that what you're doing is in alignment with this creative space we're all in.

With all this tension flowing of creative work, my outlet has always been pushing myself physically and believe it or not Cheri...we've got Piloxing officially at the YMCA. They've got real kickboxing classes that kick my butt along with barre as well so now I'm getting the mixture of my dreams in physical conditioning. Cheri...if you ever want to take a class, let me know because I want to see your face the first time it's over! Trust me when I tell you, mixing up your routine will make you feel small/humbled but it'll make you one of the best if you can keep it up...that's why I feel yoga, cardio kickboxing, piloxing, pilates, and pole classes strengthened me from injuries during my 7-8 year quest to black belt! As others questioned, I figured Bruce Lee would probably do it now if he was here and although I will never be as focused/trained as he, I might as well try in my little world of acknowledgement. =) EXHAUSTED - but in a truly fabulous way!

So are we still celebrating??? I AM!!! Now that I'm working at the Backdoor Bakery part time, knowing the loving, organic ingredients she chooses to use, my love for desserts has sky rocketed and I love my cheat days as well as my mini celebrations. Why skimp on yourself? The world already tries to do this, you must replenish and make sure that inner child is kept happy. Happy inside, happy outside and your work will flourish because of it. I know, I held on to the belief that I would only celebrate when I "deserved" it...ridiculous. You as a creative being deserve it when ever you put forth that energy because it is sent out to a very cold, hard world of rejection which isn't normal in other jobs. You gotta let yourself know that it's doing what it needs however painful and stressful that it is necessary. Do you not do that with a kid learning the ways of the world? That kid who creates and loves with every fiber of his/her being...are you not that person. You were once and in order to imagine and give that kind of unhindered art you must reward yourself as you would when you were younger, being pushed to give outside of yourself. You just find it silly now because you're an "adult" - but what does that mean? You've taken on more responsibility, you deal with greater rejection and fear because of it and you have to work that much more harder to be/act freely so again...are you celebrating in some sort of fashion. Yes, mine is with food, I've got a love affair with it...but find what it is that makes you smile like a kid, do a little dance and go happily on your way...then reward yourself with more of that because that is what it takes when everyone is telling you no and you keep right on knowing the reason why you do this. So yes to champagne, Porto's red velvet and Backdoor's salmon croissant and yes to angel food cake, plain - orange croissants, cream puff hearts as well as adult mocha ding dongs with truffle espresso cream, yes, yes, yes to it all and yes, I feel renewed, recharged and ready to take that next step of pushing boundaries, exploring my art and giving it my all even in the sight of rejections!

So with all this celebrating, am I still fighting the good fight of clean eating...of course. That is my balance and so although I wanted to do a deep cleanse in the first few months, because my lemon tree hasn't kicked in the produce yet, I decided to work another angle. Liquids/soups/smoothies etc all day until the later evening when the Vegan/Vegetarian Dinner is called for. Now I still have my full day of eating what I want, another day with vegetarian eats and then another full day of strict vegan eating - then it's 4 days straight of pure liquidy goodness until din din...and for me that means no chunks of anything...no chewing...so fruit has to be blended, veggies juiced, yogurt with nothing in them and soups pureed! See how you can modify any cleanse to your body needs/functions. You don't have to suffer, if you don't feel great then find out why and make an informed decision...I've been doing it for years and my body always comes up healthier than I can imagine because of the little things. I haven't felt really hungry and when I do, I drink or sip some more until I don't...now I do have to pee like a racehorse but you give and you take! I've already lost all that holiday weight I held on to because I was doing the most this year by allowing my lingering holiday eating to stay until after my Born Day without working out as usual but since I decided to step in a couple of weeks ago, I can already see the difference in my waist and I still get to enjoy food the way I've always felt was good in my life. Learn your body, it's an instrument, know what works and doesn't because life is too short to be strict for no reason unless that's your thang and I say "DO IT!!!" Now that I'm up at 5am for work on the weekends, I'll do some real coffee because I like the taste in the morn for a day at least once a week. Coffee, coconut milk french vanilla creamer, cashew milk cappuccino ice cream, chocolate vegan protein powder, soy free egg shell calcium, cacao, cacao nibs and chia seeds in this bad boy!

 With money being so tight, I still have to find clothes for work, myself and auditions when needed so I always turn to my trusty thrift store (many thanks Colleen) and boy, did I hit the jack pot on these finds because I still need to look my best at parties/events so there is no time to waste. Little money...no problem. Found my work clothes (Talbots knit/cashmere polo top - $4.95 & JJill comfy jeans - $4.95 with 50% off) for $5 total, then the dress was brand new with tags at thrift store costs for $20 but also 50% off so $10 and M. Frederic jeans at $288 for $10 with 50% off - $5 for dem...in my sizes...life is good!!! You don't have to spend a lot of money all the time to look your best, if you dig, you can find so keep on searching and you'll come up with those jewels in life and your work!!! Art it out my dears!!!!