You've got a gift and still that doesn't help you any more than not until one day...you gotta keep fighting! I received my black belt in 2007, fighting over 7 years to achieve that dream from a master of the arts that I am proud to be a part of but would never see how much more I would have to fight on in order to get to today...2016. I got my black belt for myself, I had quit this unpredictable business and knew I was always drawn to karate (me & my dad, good grades & Kung Fu Theatre) and since meeting Master Rifkin, I knew I was home. He never treated me like a girl, he never allowed any less from me because I was one and he always saw my potential - even when I was going to quit because of financial obligations he pushed my excuses aside and traded me work for my lessons. I fought long and hard on days I wanted to be there but more so on days I did not because I was expected to excel. I hated fighting nothing but men, it seemed all the women left once sparring became the norm and not too many women were okay with truly getting hit in the face but I saw the retreat in that and took the challenge instead. For my 3+ hours on the mat by myself, having to break 3 boards (not 2 like most girls are allowed now) with a blindfolded jumping back kick that took me 3 times - because I couldn't see/exhausted/tears & sweat in my eyes and fighting 3 black belt males fresh off the seats after 3 hours of me struggling to stay afloat, then dealing with them attacking me with knives...I learned quickly, once you get over that...the sky is the limit and I pushed to become one of the best as one of the first black belt female martial artists at my school. Eventually acting came back around via the show "The Colony" and I realized I wasn't done with my journey but had hid instead. Getting back on a theatre stage made me realize how much I truly felt at home when acting and I will never step away because of struggle again. Through those years I heard of stunt women making a way but they never seemed to excel to the next level...especially if they were a minority and by minority, I mean leaning towards black because that is my experience. I never wanted to do stunts for other women and maybe hurt myself in the process for not even the glory of my own work so I pushed on...and on...and on. Looking back, I can't tell you how many auditions (in the little given for all ethnic women) I went to and realized I was maybe 1 of 2 black female martial artists (on a good day) in the room for the auditions and behold the production always went for the usual suspects and not always Asian to boot. Most of the women there never took a class before but because they were dancers or had the right look, maybe had high kicks or could "pretend" they knew what they were doing because let's face it, it was for Gatorade or some Gym etc., they were able to pass. My black belt got me nowhere...even my management team told me it was a useless commodity because when will this business look for a female, minority/black martial artist truly so take my pictures down. I refused...this journey was a part of me, who I truly am and this industry must realize/wake up to the fact that there is a diverse amount of women that can truly fight, studied to fight and have degrees in fighting. We're attractive too...we're just not the norm but you can go to any martial arts school and see at least one black female around studying so is it so much to ask to be better represented in this field???? Obviously yes, because after years of realizing that my black belt didn't help me put me in another box to propel me forward as it might another race, I decided to write "JANE." Since this business wasn't going to give me a shot and I would have to compete with the norm instead of the skilled, I wanted to express what I had taken years to obtain as something to respect. See, maybe your skill is something really awesome but because you look the way you do, you may not get a chance to compete in that arena...not even if you out skill your counterpart but because they have a name, they may get some 2-3 month training instead and book the part that could've been yours or they have the right look/body type so they get that role...SO WHAT!!!! If you do something with passion and you love it to the highest form, one day the view of what you should be...how you should look...how you are perceived will slowly begin to fade. This industry is full of hard battles and someone has to break a path...if you are unwilling, you are making it just that much more harder for someone else behind you trying to follow in your footsteps. I took on that battle a long time ago...I've got nothing to show for it but that the fact that now when I walk into an office playing any kind of fighting character...they understand it's real, almost to a point that they forget I can really act as well.
Today was one of those days...it has taken 12+ years to finally get called in as a true martial arts fighter and that's with a black belt in an acting gig. Not a kickboxer with some skills, not a stunt woman that can do some things but a role that is clearly stated as being a "Martial Artist/Fight Opponent" on the Disney lot asking for ethnic women as well. I even work my gee pants and brought my top/belt with me over some regular work out clothes because again, I know what this business wants to see. I decided not to take off my gee pants when I arrived since I was the only one and I did see another black female leaving the audition (wahoo) with work out gear on instead, she looked like a stunt gal and was built, love when I see that because skinny isn't always healthy/strong and that's real in martial arts. I stretched in case I needed to do some kicks and saw there were sides to memorize - YIKES. No sides given for the breakdown/audition the night before but lookey, lookey - a page of slight dialogue and I work it in my brain. She gives me some time but when she comes out after another guy arrives, she lets him know I'm the real deal and not to mess with me...gotta love that respect. The audition called for some emotional turmoil and I let my tears do the rolling...just like that it was over, she wanted 2 takes and I knew I won another fan in the room. That's why you study your gifts proficiently...you never give someone else the excuse to disregard your talent in the room. Yes, I'm a real fighter but yes, I'm a real actress too, I will beat your bootay and then cry about it if need be and not blink an eye about it because that's how much I love what I do. As I leave I can feel the energy change...I'm not just another stunt woman, another fighter but I am what I am suppose to be, well rounded in my art. Leaving the lots, I can see the male crews out there working shift focus (curious of black belt gee)...it's a new day! Had my belt around my neck and my pants swishing on the Disney Lot and saw nothing but respect in many different eyes as I passed so I realize my fight wasn't in vein...it's brought me here 8 years after the fact of my black belt and more than 12 years of really fighting, I finally, as a black female am reading for a fighter role in a martial arts studio. YES! YES! YES! Gotta love the changes and we've gotta keep pushing for that. When it seems for naught, realize that someone, somewhere is counting on you to give them hope and so you must, that is your responsibility as an artist. Do your work, do it well and eventually no one can deny who you truly are nor the power you behold and in that moment, you've opened another door for someone else to be viewed with less scrutiny, so understand your purpose and FIGHT!
I've officially sent out to 8 film festivals that want shorts too and I start hearing back from them in 5 days so fingers/toes are crossed because as you can see in the video below, I was weary...procrastinating and downright fearful of the eyes on my work. Still I pushed on, it took me all morning knowing this is what I was suppose to do with my passion project, yet here I was scared out of my mind because of known judgement. I got over it in acting...I will get over it with my creations of work because you must if you scream diversity...you must take your part in this fight to make this industry better represented for us all. I'm working on it and becoming stronger as you must...as you will! "JANE" is this years active goal in all things possible, I will fight to have this work pushing up against doors because today after my audition, I realized there is no going around it. If I want to be represented, I must make others see that it is easy and possible but how can they take notice if the only thing we do is complain. You must be the change you seek and while doing so, you may just see some changes along the way to make you take notice that what you're doing is in alignment with this creative space we're all in.
With all this tension flowing of creative work, my outlet has always been pushing myself physically and believe it or not Cheri...we've got Piloxing officially at the YMCA. They've got real kickboxing classes that kick my butt along with barre as well so now I'm getting the mixture of my dreams in physical conditioning. Cheri...if you ever want to take a class, let me know because I want to see your face the first time it's over! Trust me when I tell you, mixing up your routine will make you feel small/humbled but it'll make you one of the best if you can keep it up...that's why I feel yoga, cardio kickboxing, piloxing, pilates, and pole classes strengthened me from injuries during my 7-8 year quest to black belt! As others questioned, I figured Bruce Lee would probably do it now if he was here and although I will never be as focused/trained as he, I might as well try in my little world of acknowledgement. =) EXHAUSTED - but in a truly fabulous way!
So are we still celebrating??? I AM!!! Now that I'm working at the Backdoor Bakery part time, knowing the loving, organic ingredients she chooses to use, my love for desserts has sky rocketed and I love my cheat days as well as my mini celebrations. Why skimp on yourself? The world already tries to do this, you must replenish and make sure that inner child is kept happy. Happy inside, happy outside and your work will flourish because of it. I know, I held on to the belief that I would only celebrate when I "deserved" it...ridiculous. You as a creative being deserve it when ever you put forth that energy because it is sent out to a very cold, hard world of rejection which isn't normal in other jobs. You gotta let yourself know that it's doing what it needs however painful and stressful that it is necessary. Do you not do that with a kid learning the ways of the world? That kid who creates and loves with every fiber of his/her being...are you not that person. You were once and in order to imagine and give that kind of unhindered art you must reward yourself as you would when you were younger, being pushed to give outside of yourself. You just find it silly now because you're an "adult" - but what does that mean? You've taken on more responsibility, you deal with greater rejection and fear because of it and you have to work that much more harder to be/act freely so again...are you celebrating in some sort of fashion. Yes, mine is with food, I've got a love affair with it...but find what it is that makes you smile like a kid, do a little dance and go happily on your way...then reward yourself with more of that because that is what it takes when everyone is telling you no and you keep right on knowing the reason why you do this. So yes to champagne, Porto's red velvet and Backdoor's salmon croissant and yes to angel food cake, plain - orange croissants, cream puff hearts as well as adult mocha ding dongs with truffle espresso cream, yes, yes, yes to it all and yes, I feel renewed, recharged and ready to take that next step of pushing boundaries, exploring my art and giving it my all even in the sight of rejections!
So with all this celebrating, am I still fighting the good fight of clean eating...of course. That is my balance and so although I wanted to do a deep cleanse in the first few months, because my lemon tree hasn't kicked in the produce yet, I decided to work another angle. Liquids/soups/smoothies etc all day until the later evening when the Vegan/Vegetarian Dinner is called for. Now I still have my full day of eating what I want, another day with vegetarian eats and then another full day of strict vegan eating - then it's 4 days straight of pure liquidy goodness until din din...and for me that means no chunks of anything...no chewing...so fruit has to be blended, veggies juiced, yogurt with nothing in them and soups pureed! See how you can modify any cleanse to your body needs/functions. You don't have to suffer, if you don't feel great then find out why and make an informed decision...I've been doing it for years and my body always comes up healthier than I can imagine because of the little things. I haven't felt really hungry and when I do, I drink or sip some more until I don't...now I do have to pee like a racehorse but you give and you take! I've already lost all that holiday weight I held on to because I was doing the most this year by allowing my lingering holiday eating to stay until after my Born Day without working out as usual but since I decided to step in a couple of weeks ago, I can already see the difference in my waist and I still get to enjoy food the way I've always felt was good in my life. Learn your body, it's an instrument, know what works and doesn't because life is too short to be strict for no reason unless that's your thang and I say "DO IT!!!" Now that I'm up at 5am for work on the weekends, I'll do some real coffee because I like the taste in the morn for a day at least once a week. Coffee, coconut milk french vanilla creamer, cashew milk cappuccino ice cream, chocolate vegan protein powder, soy free egg shell calcium, cacao, cacao nibs and chia seeds in this bad boy!
With money being so tight, I still have to find clothes for work, myself and auditions when needed so I always turn to my trusty thrift store (many thanks Colleen) and boy, did I hit the jack pot on these finds because I still need to look my best at parties/events so there is no time to waste. Little money...no problem. Found my work clothes (Talbots knit/cashmere polo top - $4.95 & JJill comfy jeans - $4.95 with 50% off) for $5 total, then the dress was brand new with tags at thrift store costs for $20 but also 50% off so $10 and M. Frederic jeans at $288 for $10 with 50% off - $5 for dem...in my sizes...life is good!!! You don't have to spend a lot of money all the time to look your best, if you dig, you can find so keep on searching and you'll come up with those jewels in life and your work!!! Art it out my dears!!!!
You've got a gift and still that doesn't help you any more than not until one day...you gotta keep fighting! I received my black belt in 2007, fighting over 7 years to achieve that dream from a master of the arts that I am proud to be a part of but would never see how much more I would have to fight on in order to get to today...2016. I got my black belt for myself, I had quit this unpredictable business and knew I was always drawn to karate (me & my dad, good grades & Kung Fu Theatre) and since meeting Master Rifkin, I knew I was home. He never treated me like a girl, he never allowed any less from me because I was one and he always saw my potential - even when I was going to quit because of financial obligations he pushed my excuses aside and traded me work for my lessons. I fought long and hard on days I wanted to be there but more so on days I did not because I was expected to excel. I hated fighting nothing but men, it seemed all the women left once sparring became the norm and not too many women were okay with truly getting hit in the face but I saw the retreat in that and took the challenge instead. For my 3+ hours on the mat by myself, having to break 3 boards (not 2 like most girls are allowed now) with a blindfolded jumping back kick that took me 3 times - because I couldn't see/exhausted/tears & sweat in my eyes and fighting 3 black belt males fresh off the seats after 3 hours of me struggling to stay afloat, then dealing with them attacking me with knives...I learned quickly, once you get over that...the sky is the limit and I pushed to become one of the best as one of the first black belt female martial artists at my school. Eventually acting came back around via the show "The Colony" and I realized I wasn't done with my journey but had hid instead. Getting back on a theatre stage made me realize how much I truly felt at home when acting and I will never step away because of struggle again. Through those years I heard of stunt women making a way but they never seemed to excel to the next level...especially if they were a minority and by minority, I mean leaning towards black because that is my experience. I never wanted to do stunts for other women and maybe hurt myself in the process for not even the glory of my own work so I pushed on...and on...and on. Looking back, I can't tell you how many auditions (in the little given for all ethnic women) I went to and realized I was maybe 1 of 2 black female martial artists (on a good day) in the room for the auditions and behold the production always went for the usual suspects and not always Asian to boot. Most of the women there never took a class before but because they were dancers or had the right look, maybe had high kicks or could "pretend" they knew what they were doing because let's face it, it was for Gatorade or some Gym etc., they were able to pass. My black belt got me nowhere...even my management team told me it was a useless commodity because when will this business look for a female, minority/black martial artist truly so take my pictures down. I refused...this journey was a part of me, who I truly am and this industry must realize/wake up to the fact that there is a diverse amount of women that can truly fight, studied to fight and have degrees in fighting. We're attractive too...we're just not the norm but you can go to any martial arts school and see at least one black female around studying so is it so much to ask to be better represented in this field???? Obviously yes, because after years of realizing that my black belt didn't help me put me in another box to propel me forward as it might another race, I decided to write "JANE." Since this business wasn't going to give me a shot and I would have to compete with the norm instead of the skilled, I wanted to express what I had taken years to obtain as something to respect. See, maybe your skill is something really awesome but because you look the way you do, you may not get a chance to compete in that arena...not even if you out skill your counterpart but because they have a name, they may get some 2-3 month training instead and book the part that could've been yours or they have the right look/body type so they get that role...SO WHAT!!!! If you do something with passion and you love it to the highest form, one day the view of what you should be...how you should look...how you are perceived will slowly begin to fade. This industry is full of hard battles and someone has to break a path...if you are unwilling, you are making it just that much more harder for someone else behind you trying to follow in your footsteps. I took on that battle a long time ago...I've got nothing to show for it but that the fact that now when I walk into an office playing any kind of fighting character...they understand it's real, almost to a point that they forget I can really act as well.
Today was one of those days...it has taken 12+ years to finally get called in as a true martial arts fighter and that's with a black belt in an acting gig. Not a kickboxer with some skills, not a stunt woman that can do some things but a role that is clearly stated as being a "Martial Artist/Fight Opponent" on the Disney lot asking for ethnic women as well. I even work my gee pants and brought my top/belt with me over some regular work out clothes because again, I know what this business wants to see. I decided not to take off my gee pants when I arrived since I was the only one and I did see another black female leaving the audition (wahoo) with work out gear on instead, she looked like a stunt gal and was built, love when I see that because skinny isn't always healthy/strong and that's real in martial arts. I stretched in case I needed to do some kicks and saw there were sides to memorize - YIKES. No sides given for the breakdown/audition the night before but lookey, lookey - a page of slight dialogue and I work it in my brain. She gives me some time but when she comes out after another guy arrives, she lets him know I'm the real deal and not to mess with me...gotta love that respect. The audition called for some emotional turmoil and I let my tears do the rolling...just like that it was over, she wanted 2 takes and I knew I won another fan in the room. That's why you study your gifts proficiently...you never give someone else the excuse to disregard your talent in the room. Yes, I'm a real fighter but yes, I'm a real actress too, I will beat your bootay and then cry about it if need be and not blink an eye about it because that's how much I love what I do. As I leave I can feel the energy change...I'm not just another stunt woman, another fighter but I am what I am suppose to be, well rounded in my art. Leaving the lots, I can see the male crews out there working shift focus (curious of black belt gee)...it's a new day! Had my belt around my neck and my pants swishing on the Disney Lot and saw nothing but respect in many different eyes as I passed so I realize my fight wasn't in vein...it's brought me here 8 years after the fact of my black belt and more than 12 years of really fighting, I finally, as a black female am reading for a fighter role in a martial arts studio. YES! YES! YES! Gotta love the changes and we've gotta keep pushing for that. When it seems for naught, realize that someone, somewhere is counting on you to give them hope and so you must, that is your responsibility as an artist. Do your work, do it well and eventually no one can deny who you truly are nor the power you behold and in that moment, you've opened another door for someone else to be viewed with less scrutiny, so understand your purpose and FIGHT!
I've officially sent out to 8 film festivals that want shorts too and I start hearing back from them in 5 days so fingers/toes are crossed because as you can see in the video below, I was weary...procrastinating and downright fearful of the eyes on my work. Still I pushed on, it took me all morning knowing this is what I was suppose to do with my passion project, yet here I was scared out of my mind because of known judgement. I got over it in acting...I will get over it with my creations of work because you must if you scream diversity...you must take your part in this fight to make this industry better represented for us all. I'm working on it and becoming stronger as you must...as you will! "JANE" is this years active goal in all things possible, I will fight to have this work pushing up against doors because today after my audition, I realized there is no going around it. If I want to be represented, I must make others see that it is easy and possible but how can they take notice if the only thing we do is complain. You must be the change you seek and while doing so, you may just see some changes along the way to make you take notice that what you're doing is in alignment with this creative space we're all in.
With all this tension flowing of creative work, my outlet has always been pushing myself physically and believe it or not Cheri...we've got Piloxing officially at the YMCA. They've got real kickboxing classes that kick my butt along with barre as well so now I'm getting the mixture of my dreams in physical conditioning. Cheri...if you ever want to take a class, let me know because I want to see your face the first time it's over! Trust me when I tell you, mixing up your routine will make you feel small/humbled but it'll make you one of the best if you can keep it up...that's why I feel yoga, cardio kickboxing, piloxing, pilates, and pole classes strengthened me from injuries during my 7-8 year quest to black belt! As others questioned, I figured Bruce Lee would probably do it now if he was here and although I will never be as focused/trained as he, I might as well try in my little world of acknowledgement. =) EXHAUSTED - but in a truly fabulous way!
So are we still celebrating??? I AM!!! Now that I'm working at the Backdoor Bakery part time, knowing the loving, organic ingredients she chooses to use, my love for desserts has sky rocketed and I love my cheat days as well as my mini celebrations. Why skimp on yourself? The world already tries to do this, you must replenish and make sure that inner child is kept happy. Happy inside, happy outside and your work will flourish because of it. I know, I held on to the belief that I would only celebrate when I "deserved" it...ridiculous. You as a creative being deserve it when ever you put forth that energy because it is sent out to a very cold, hard world of rejection which isn't normal in other jobs. You gotta let yourself know that it's doing what it needs however painful and stressful that it is necessary. Do you not do that with a kid learning the ways of the world? That kid who creates and loves with every fiber of his/her being...are you not that person. You were once and in order to imagine and give that kind of unhindered art you must reward yourself as you would when you were younger, being pushed to give outside of yourself. You just find it silly now because you're an "adult" - but what does that mean? You've taken on more responsibility, you deal with greater rejection and fear because of it and you have to work that much more harder to be/act freely so again...are you celebrating in some sort of fashion. Yes, mine is with food, I've got a love affair with it...but find what it is that makes you smile like a kid, do a little dance and go happily on your way...then reward yourself with more of that because that is what it takes when everyone is telling you no and you keep right on knowing the reason why you do this. So yes to champagne, Porto's red velvet and Backdoor's salmon croissant and yes to angel food cake, plain - orange croissants, cream puff hearts as well as adult mocha ding dongs with truffle espresso cream, yes, yes, yes to it all and yes, I feel renewed, recharged and ready to take that next step of pushing boundaries, exploring my art and giving it my all even in the sight of rejections!
So with all this celebrating, am I still fighting the good fight of clean eating...of course. That is my balance and so although I wanted to do a deep cleanse in the first few months, because my lemon tree hasn't kicked in the produce yet, I decided to work another angle. Liquids/soups/smoothies etc all day until the later evening when the Vegan/Vegetarian Dinner is called for. Now I still have my full day of eating what I want, another day with vegetarian eats and then another full day of strict vegan eating - then it's 4 days straight of pure liquidy goodness until din din...and for me that means no chunks of anything...no chewing...so fruit has to be blended, veggies juiced, yogurt with nothing in them and soups pureed! See how you can modify any cleanse to your body needs/functions. You don't have to suffer, if you don't feel great then find out why and make an informed decision...I've been doing it for years and my body always comes up healthier than I can imagine because of the little things. I haven't felt really hungry and when I do, I drink or sip some more until I don't...now I do have to pee like a racehorse but you give and you take! I've already lost all that holiday weight I held on to because I was doing the most this year by allowing my lingering holiday eating to stay until after my Born Day without working out as usual but since I decided to step in a couple of weeks ago, I can already see the difference in my waist and I still get to enjoy food the way I've always felt was good in my life. Learn your body, it's an instrument, know what works and doesn't because life is too short to be strict for no reason unless that's your thang and I say "DO IT!!!" Now that I'm up at 5am for work on the weekends, I'll do some real coffee because I like the taste in the morn for a day at least once a week. Coffee, coconut milk french vanilla creamer, cashew milk cappuccino ice cream, chocolate vegan protein powder, soy free egg shell calcium, cacao, cacao nibs and chia seeds in this bad boy!
With money being so tight, I still have to find clothes for work, myself and auditions when needed so I always turn to my trusty thrift store (many thanks Colleen) and boy, did I hit the jack pot on these finds because I still need to look my best at parties/events so there is no time to waste. Little money...no problem. Found my work clothes (Talbots knit/cashmere polo top - $4.95 & JJill comfy jeans - $4.95 with 50% off) for $5 total, then the dress was brand new with tags at thrift store costs for $20 but also 50% off so $10 and M. Frederic jeans at $288 for $10 with 50% off - $5 for dem...in my sizes...life is good!!! You don't have to spend a lot of money all the time to look your best, if you dig, you can find so keep on searching and you'll come up with those jewels in life and your work!!! Art it out my dears!!!!
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